Keep in mind I am not standing or wanting to reconcile. I know DB advice tends to be "softly, softly" but I felt that the truth was more powerful in this instance. I needed him to hear this.
H: When are you going to respond to my email? M: I need time to think about it before making changes to the permanent custody schedule. I'm not obligated to agree to your requests, but I am considering it. H: But I wrote it so nicely! M: Do you hear how manipulative that sounds? H: (sarcastically) So what, are you waiting for your lawyer to get back from holidays to discuss it? M: I'm discussing it with a few different people. H: (threateningly) Well, I'm also going to be discussing things with your lawyer. (indicating he doesn't have his own L) M That's generally how settlement works, yes. H: (scoffs) Why are you acting like this? M: Because you cheated on me? Abandoned me? Left S1? Any number of reasons, really. This is how divorce works. H: I didn't cheat on you. I promise. (he crossed his heart) M: You've broken every promise you ever made to me, and you've been caught in a number of lies. I don't trust you and I don't believe you. H: Who have you been talking to? You're just going to believe whatever J (his coworker/my friend) tells you? M: I've heard it from multiple people. When multiple people tell you the same thing, you tend to believe it. H: Who? M: People who care about me and want me to know the truth. Friends, both yours and mine. H: Whatever. I didn't cheat on you. (he got into his car and I followed him) M: I know about OW. I know you left me for OW, I know you're with her now. Our families know, our friends know, your coworkers know. H: I didn't cheat on you. (the corners of his mouth were turning up like he was trying not to smile) M: I know you were emotionally involved with her before you left me. Stop f*cking lying and stop smiling. (I got a little heated here). H: (laughs nervously) What does emotionally involved even mean? M: You left me to try it on with her. When you get married, it's to the exclusion of all others. When you allow someone else to become an option, that's breaking your marriage vows. Also known as cheating, an affair, whatever. H: The marriage was over; I didn't cheat on you. M: That's news to me. You never told me you were unhappy enough to leave unless things changed. You told me you loved me the morning that you walked out. I'm not a mind-reader. H: I told you so many times I was not happy. M: If you had told me, don't you think I would have done everything in my power to fix it? I loved you and would have done anything for you. H: You just wanted to control and manipulate me. M: How? By asking you to get off video games and spend time with us as a family? By asking you not to put us $50k in debt for a truck? By asking you not to go on your fifth boys' trip for the year leaving me alone with the baby? H: You made us spend $15k on home improvements! You never let me make one decision on my own. M: *lists a bunch of examples* H: Yeah, but you did XYZ! M: If I was so controlling, how were you able to coerce me into buying this $50k car when I was adamant I didn't want it? H: Oh, big deal - one thing I won over you in 8 years! M: Every decision that we made about our life was made together. It's unfair to agree to something then blame me for going ahead with it. I had no idea you didn't want to do it. You agreed to it. H: You were controlling then and you're still trying to control me even though I've ended the relationship! M: I don't care what you are doing now. I don't care that you are with OW. But I will hold you accountable for your choices. I'm sorry you don't like it. You are the one who has trashed your reputation. H: (sarcastically) I'm SO glad I trashed my reputation. I'm SO glad these rumours have come out. Hooray! M: I don't understand? H: I'm being sarcastic. M: Oh. H: (searching for something else to accuse me of) You won't even let me in the house anymore! M: Because you called me a bitch last time you were here. That's my boundary. H: Well, my boundary is that you get out of my car. (I got out and stood in the doorway) M: I'm not out to hurt you. I loved you and would have done anything to make you happy. But you chose to put the emotional energy I deserved, which could have saved our marriage, into OW. You had legitimate concerns about our marriage. I never had the chance to address them once she came into the picture. H: (doggedly) I didn't cheat on you. M: The things you've done were not mistakes, they were choices. You are a liar, a cheater, a coward, and a fraud. These were not the choices of a good person. One day S1 is going to understand the truth. And you will have to live with it.
Then I walked away, feeling AT LAST that I took back the power he stole from me upon BD. I didn't feel vindicated or righteous as I walked away. I felt relieved to have expelled the poison that was eating me up, and underneath that a real sadness that this is how we have ended.
W32 X30 S2
June 2019 | Runaway husband May 2020 | Legal separation Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing