In response to my open home invitation, I ended up cramming 20 visits, outings, catchups, parties etc into 14 days off. I'm back at work today and ready for a break! I am incredibly grateful to have such a supportive network of friends and family in my life. There has been an unflagging willingness to talk, listen, comfort, connect etc from everyone in my life. I feel very lucky.
So naturally, there were a lot of talks about my sitch over the last two weeks. I was prepared for this, but it was emotionally draining. I am sleeping again, and dreaming about H every night. Some nights he's a serial killer trying to attack me. Some nights we are on a family holiday and cuddling in bed. It's confusing. I can admit there is still love in my heart. Just because I want him to feel consequences, doesn't mean I hate him. But nor does it mean I want him back.
Two bits of new information are giving me peace after a turbulent couple of weeks wishing for karma to do its job.
1) My friend, J, who works with H told me about their work Christmas party. The chatter in the room was about poor H spending the holidays alone without his wife and son. J bridled at this and told the group NO. He left his wife and son for another woman. He does not deserve any sympathy. J stopped short of saying the other woman was a former employee, but told me she has a meeting scheduled in January to speak directly with H's manager.
2) Another friend, R, who is also in H's friendship group, had a New Year's party and explicitly told the group not to invite H because "he doesn't live by his codes of life". When one of the group, let's call him M, asked what he meant, R told them a little bit about the other woman and the missed visitations. M was the one H stayed with during the first three months after he left, and was apparently "appalled" that he had unknowingly supported this bad behaviour.
This has reminded me that anytime I start feeling powerless, I just need to wait. H's choices and actions are evidence enough to anyone with a brain, a heart, and a soul that he has messed up. Big time. Did I contribute to the wheels falling off our marriage? Of course, and I've acknowledged and apologised for my flaws and mistakes. H and I were both in the same unhappy marriage, and both made very different choices about how to cope.
My mantra for 2020: act on principle, not emotion.
W32 X30 S2
June 2019 | Runaway husband May 2020 | Legal separation Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing