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I would follow her lead. If you don't feel up to cuddling, just say "wife, I'm not up for that this evening" and leave it at that. You have to determine what you will or will not do in the boundary arena. Each situation is different and each poster needs to think long and hard as to what they will or will not accept. Because of what she's done to you and your family, I wouldn't make things easy for her. She would need to work on herself and, if she wants to return, she would need to regain your trust and right now, she's still a very confused woman who is keeping you right where she left you.
When speaking to her, remain calm and keep the tone of your voice level. Do not raise your voice and definitely look her in the eye.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.