Hey U -

I agree with LH. Of all the things you have to deal with, you could get through it if it were not for time.

I am only starting to get a grasp on exactly what it is my W is going through (finally), and just how long this is going to take. it has been nearly 15 months for me.

Over the many arguments/BDs/discussions we had in the beginning of all this, I pieced together from what she told me that it was another year and a half to two years prior to that that she had been "feeling differently" but was too afraid to tell me.

So that's my timeline - and I think I'm probably somewhere around halfway through this. It seems our stories are similar, so I would estimate we are both probably in the 5-7 year timeframe. If they get through this, that is.

Right now, interactions with your W are going to lead to you being blamed for everything. It was the same way in my sit while my W was going through her anger phase. She has only just started to show that she is beginning to move out of it, and there are moments where I can see that it returns briefly. The more you attempt to reason with, communicate to, or try to understand why she is treating you the way she is, or talking about you the way she is, the farther you will push her away (and the farther you will push yourself away).

This may eventually entrench those feelings of resentment in the both of you, which I would suggest is not something that would be good for you, her, or your children in the future.

Knowing all that, and knowing that at your core you are a great person who cares about his kids very much, and knowing that your W is looking for anyone else to blame for how she is feeling right now, what do you think the best course of action would be? Do you think it's productive to keep worrying about what your W is saying about you, or how she thinks she views you right now? Also - do you think that rushing through this process will end the pain? Do you think it will all stop the minute mediation is done?

Of course it is all up to you to decide, and this is only advice from someone behind a keyboard who is reading words on a screen. I can't know your sit like you do - none of us can - but I can tell you what I see from what I'm reading. I see someone who is hurt, someone who is struggling to understand what has happened, and someone who is looking to end the pain as quickly as possible. And I get it, 100 percent. Believe me.

But I also see someone who still has a tiny glimmer of hope of R in the far far future. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm totally off base here, but if what LH says is true and from what I have seen from you in the past 8 months I think it is, I would at least give some consideration to slowing down. again, you don't have to - you can do what you feel is best, but I think if you find ways to let your sit settle, let yourW live without you and see that it is not all Rose's, and that it is not you who is to blame for everything, I think you have a shot at having an amicable new R with your W (regardless if you end up D or not)

Take care U - stay strong, buddy smile

Last edited by IronWill; 11/18/19 12:44 PM.