Really really rough day...

W and I went to counseling, co-parenting coaching, Iím not even sure what to call it at this point, today.

My intent was to be clear that I wanted to move forward with mediation quickly because our current situation was not working for me. I made this very clear, so mission accomplished here.

The session started off with my W mentioning behavioral issues with S7. We had talked on the phone about this about 2 weeks ago, and I brought up that maybe he should see a counselor. Itís unclear if his issues are related to our S, but he does have trouble expressing his feelings and has been acting out. We agreed about him maybe seeing a counselor.

My W brought it up today in counseling, describing the behavior she sees. And then she said:

ďI donít know if maybe this is related to the things his Dad has done since S was 4.Ē I was stunned. She jumped right to speculating that my sonís behavioral issues were my fault.

The counselor said: ďLetís not jump to the Why.Ē

I said, ďOr maybe he misses his Dad because he goes 10 day stretches without him. Maybe heís confused why his Dad moved out and he doesnít see him very often.Ē

My emotions were a mess all day. I feel like itís time to push this D through. I feel like co-parenting coaching is a waste of effort, because my W does not respect me as a parent and continues to raise overblown allegations. Iím tired of being afraid, tired of trying to earn trust, tired of trying to work on communication with her. Iím a good dad. I donít need her approval anymore. Iím tired of working with a controlling person.

One of her favorite sayings is ďI want us to be on the same page.Ē My feeling is she wants to write the words and I have to read them.

I picked up my kids tonight and they are so amazing. I canít wait to spend time with them this weekend. Everything feels better when I just have that time after these long stretches. I saw them for 2 dinners in the meantime, but thereís nothing like having them over for overnights and extended time.

Iím starting to be leery about posting here because I donít want to sound like a disgruntled vet whose MR didnít work out. I donít know if my situation belongs here. This was a toxic situation from the start when I came here to the forums, and I didnít recognize it. In retrospect, I never had a chance of saving this MR, and itís time to hit escape and save myself. But.... the skills I have learned here have helped me immensely. Focusing on PMA/GAL, self-improvement, and better listening skills and validation (when appropriate!) have made a huge difference in my ability to handle what comes my way. Iím still in a high state of panic and fear of what my W may do or say, but I know that I can handle whatever comes my way. Iím not going to die. Iím going to be happier. Iím going to get through this and come out much much happier.