Originally Posted by unchien
She shared that her parents are judging her a bit, and that she hasn't shared many details with her family about what is going on with us. I had a brief "Hmmm that's curious" moment and that's all. Maybe what she meant is she hasn't gone telling her family the things she has said to me directly. The accusations. It seemed like she really wanted me to know that.


This is very similar to my sit, U. My W still wants me involved in events with her family, and her family wants all that too. Last year they said I will always be family. It's true if I want it to be true - I've known all of them for 21 years and I've seen no indication that they feel otherwise.

It's so strange when you pull back, really far back, and WASs start to question themselves, to see that it was not all you that is causing the problems. The timescale on this is soooo long, I think you're beginning to see the scope of it now.
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I thought it was exceptionally strange that she shares very little with her family, but that's for her to decide. It was also strange how much she was telling me. She said "My family still cares about you a lot" and I said "Thank you for sharing that." I could swear she thought in her mind that I really needed to hear this, that I would be struggling with worrying that her family hates me. I guess that's probably some projection on her part, because she did ask if I had told my family anything. I do care about her family, and love her dad and brother in particular, but they are going to be my ex-in-law's, and other than seeing them at some random functions like graduations that is that.


Facing their own truth can be daunting. My W had to do that too and her family is against her decision.

As far as our MR is concerned, I stopped talking to Ws family about it 10 months ago when I decided I still wanted them in my life. I came up with some neutral sounding language that deflects most of the questions they have.

If you like them and you still want them in your life, that is up to you. Yeah, it will be weird at first, but that does pass. My SIL and BIL are some of my best friends. It has been 14 months and even though it is different now, they are still close. I'm not willing to lose them (or my nephews) over this and they want to keep me in their lives just as much.

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I'm thankful that things aren't so tense at the moment. I can see a future where we co-parent amicably. I expect things will worsen when we do start mediation, because I am going to ask for what is fair, and W will think those asks are unfair. Perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised. But I am absolutely going to be prepared.


It is always good to be prepared, U. But we cannot predict the future. Maybe mediation is awful, maybe it goes smoothly. You control how it goes for you. W controls how it goes for her.

So glad to hear things have calmed down for you -

Keep yourself as steady as you can - you can do this, man smile