Deeper down I am emotionally a mess. Iím not wallowing in it like maybe I would have a year ago. But itís there. I know I need to step away from any whiff of a romantic relationship for a long time. I need to reset my life, figure out what this all means, how I want to approach friendships, my estranged family relationships.

Heck I don't even know if I trust myself anymore. I find myself questioning the motives of friends I have had for over 35 years. There is only one person in the world I love right now and that is my daughter. Know that you are not alone in this unchien. One step at a time, one step at a time.

What eats at me is that I still look back. I should be looking forward, 100%. But I turn my head and look over my shoulder. Itís not the hope of reconciliation (at least I think so). Itís looking back at how good life could have been if things had worked out. And not understanding what the he** just happened.

I can completely relate to this unchien and I think I have found a quote that explains it for me.

I'm not crying
Because of you;
You're not worth it.
I'm crying because
My delusion of who
Your were was
Shattered by the
Truth of who
You are.

And at the same time, recognizing there is absolutely NO WAY I can go back.

The first time my XW had an affair she accused me of raping her (I never ever did any such thing and she couldn't tell me when this supposed event happened). After we had gotten back together she brushed it aside and said she was just mad at me but I was never able to get that out of my mind. I never initiated sex with her again and always feared she would accuse me again. I take the blame in the relationship for never letting her know how much that hurt me and our intimacy. This time around it is the accusation of me being dangerous like yours. I feel false accusations like this means trust can never be reestablished and therefore a relationship would never be possible.

I know part of healing is going to involve standing up for myself and facing the hurricane-force winds when my W realizes how her life is about to get turned upside down.

All I can say is I am there and it rocks you to your core. I feel that as much as I loved my XW is as much as she wants me to hurt and I have no idea why.

I just wonder sometimes if Iím going to feel whole.

Know that you are not alone. Even though we have never met I care and believe in you. We will make it.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019