Originally Posted by IronWill

Yes, that is also where my W was when I started DBing. It was all my fault. Nothing I did or didn't do would change anything and I was the worst person in the world, ever.

Not sure if I ever told you this, but I went nearly NC for two or three months during this time. While we were still both in the same house. I did it for my own sanity, and to remove myself from the equation almost completely. It was an excruciating time for me - you can read my posts from April through June/July if you want to see how painful it was - but I think it helped at least a little in resetting the scenario. It also helped me to see that i was definitely not the monster i was made out to be at BD.

She's blaming you right now because there is no one else to throw the blame on, U. You are the closest to the fire, so you're gonna get burned. A lot. That's the nature of this crisis. Plus she needs to justify her decisions to break up the MR. Its not rational or logical - it is 100 percent emotional. Otherwise there is nothing left to hang on to, and somewhere deep down she knows it.

You never told me about going NC. If we didn't have 3 kids, I would say we would be NC at this point. We barely text unless it's logistics about the kids or the upcoming mediation process.

My W has a strange stance right now. She seems to want us to all get along, but continue to act as if I am a scary, violent person not deserving of adequate parenting time with our kids. She has made overtures that I can join them on Halloween.

I should be clear that I have zero desire to reconcile right now, and primarily I am trying to forge an amicable relationship when we co-parent our children as divorced parents. Unfortunately, my desire to be amicable is getting in the way of me standing up for myself. I have allowed things to get to this point.

Going back to the main point, it is incredibly painful to be called "violent" and "abusive" when I don't believe I did anything anywhere near that extreme. From the woman I loved for 15 years. Having to feel like I'm being watched when I have time with the kids. Being judged. This goes way beyond realizing she fell out of love.

Originally Posted by IronWill

Are attending these counseling sessions agreed upon by both of you? And if so, are they helping you at all? It's hard to sense from behind a keyboard but from here it seems like they aren't. Again, I might be misreading your sit, though

I will continue to go as it helps with co-parenting and communication. As far as helping our relationship, they do not help at all.

Originally Posted by IronWill
Soft 2x4 time - Recon is not something that happens that quickly. Not when your W is still in the anger phase.

Recon is not under consideration by me at this point. The rope is dropped. I want to snap my fingers and have this divorce over with. I have seen how I can (and will) be happier on my own.

Originally Posted by IronWill
It took my W from November 2018 to August 2019 before she started losing most of the anger. During that time she also had nightly panic attacks, extreme anxiety, and insomnia. Now she is in depression and withdrawal. There is a long way to go.

I also think my W is going through a difficult phase of her life, and I am to blame for everything in her mind. It's too late at this point. Continuing to DB and be patient is causing me to suffer as a father and a person. My kids are suffering. I can't let this continue under the assumption if I wait long enough that she will come around.

Originally Posted by IronWill
I cannot tell you what to do, as always, but if it were me, I might think about taking a breath and letting W be. That's what I have done. I have left my W alone - that's what she wanted, that's what I could do for her, so I did it. Plus it probably is not the best for you to keep getting these mini-BD's every time you have a session, at least in my opinion. I told my W I had had enough and I wasn't interested in going over my faults yet again when she tried to bring it up at another point a few weeks after BD. She stopped doing it.

I get my kids 4 days every 2 weeks. The longer this goes, the more my kids drift away. I am paying for 2 households off my salary. I am called "violent" and "abusive." She has thrown these terms around cavalierly in counseling sessions where I could be reported to authorities if there was any substance to the allegations. She says she doesn't love me anymore. I will leave her alone from an emotional perspective, but I do need to change the situation. Some may suggest I move back into the marital home. I think I need to move on.

If I could snap my fingers and she would return to the loving, understanding woman I used to know, I would. It's not reality. It is a fantasy. Right now, the only change in her life has been that I left the home. I need to move on for my own sanity, and she needs to face reality as well. This means we need to move towards divorce. I see no other options. I have seen that I am a happier, more relaxed father by myself than when we lived together.

I can't stress enough how much the parenting element and fear of going to court and losing my kids plays into this situation.

Originally Posted by IronWill
Hang in there, man. Hope you keep posting here - I see lots of longtime vets still posting in newcomers, but if you decide to switch, let us know so we can follow you.

I will probably continue to post here as well, but keep it more on the feelings/emotions side of things. I anticipate having a lot of divorce/logistical questions, and I think it's best I go to the other board for those. For one, I may get more tailored advice. And secondly, I don't want newcomers feeling jaded reading my story.