Originally Posted by unchien

Unfortunately I don't see my W trying. I see her blaming me for relocation, then heaping on the same story about how I am potentially unsafe. I am the villain, she is the victim, and I can't change that for her.

Yes, that is also where my W was when I started DBing. It was all my fault. Nothing I did or didn't do would change anything and I was the worst person in the world, ever.

Not sure if I ever told you this, but I went nearly NC for two or three months during this time. While we were still both in the same house. I did it for my own sanity, and to remove myself from the equation almost completely. It was an excruciating time for me - you can read my posts from April through June/July if you want to see how painful it was - but I think it helped at least a little in resetting the scenario. It also helped me to see that i was definitely not the monster i was made out to be at BD.

She's blaming you right now because there is no one else to throw the blame on, U. You are the closest to the fire, so you're gonna get burned. A lot. That's the nature of this crisis. Plus she needs to justify her decisions to break up the MR. Its not rational or logical - it is 100 percent emotional. Otherwise there is nothing left to hang on to, and somewhere deep down she knows it.

Originally Posted by Unchien

You are right, she did not hide who she was. I have seen her make black-and-white decisions about other people in her life, cut them out, and assume the worst in people. I never thought I would be on the receiving end, but here we are. In hindsight it all makes some sort of weird sense.

I know I sound kind of bitter. We had an initial counseling session today about how to proceed next. It's clear she has stuck to her "UC is potentially violent and abusive" narrative and, well, that pretty much ends our chances of recon. DB techniques have helped me a ton, and have also helped me manage my MR to this point so that we aren't in court in a nasty contested battle. But recon is not something on the table. So I'm not sure I should continue to post in the newcomer forum.


Are attending these counseling sessions agreed upon by both of you? And if so, are they helping you at all? It's hard to sense from behind a keyboard but from here it seems like they aren't. Again, I might be misreading your sit, though

Soft 2x4 time - Recon is not something that happens that quickly. Not when your W is still in the anger phase.

It took my W from November 2018 to August 2019 before she started losing most of the anger. During that time she also had nightly panic attacks, extreme anxiety, and insomnia. Now she is in depression and withdrawal. There is a long way to go.

I cannot tell you what to do, as always, but if it were me, I might think about taking a breath and letting W be. That's what I have done. I have left my W alone - that's what she wanted, that's what I could do for her, so I did it. Plus it probably is not the best for you to keep getting these mini-BD's every time you have a session, at least in my opinion. I told my W I had had enough and I wasn't interested in going over my faults yet again when she tried to bring it up at another point a few weeks after BD. She stopped doing it.

Hang in there, man. Hope you keep posting here - I see lots of longtime vets still posting in newcomers, but if you decide to switch, let us know so we can follow you.

Take care, buddy.