kml - W has mentioned she had previously abusive BFs. I don't know what happened, although I know it wasn't physical abuse. I think she is sensitive to normal conflict, yes. And for many years in our marriage, I cratered and did not stand up for myself whenever a situation involving conflict arose.

I am not typically grumpy. I did get emotional at times when I felt she was not communicating with me, or she was shutting me out. By emotional I did sometimes cry, or express frustration. I spent a lot of time validating. I think she started mind-reading me and assuming the worst many times. When I pulled over the car in March, I was admittedly histrionic (crying), and desperate to talk with her. She says she was afraid for her life. I made mistakes, and I wish I handled this differently, but I do not regret making attempts to reach out and communicate and work on our marriage.

The whole "Is it abuse, or not?" question drives me nuts. I do think she believes it was, and I believe it wasn't. I'm not denying that I grabbed my son's leg, and that it was inappropriate. I don't think she is using it as a tactic, but at this point, we are getting down to brass tacks, and I need to stand up for myself. If she wanted to work on the MR, I would talk about what she considers abuse. As it stands, we are clearly done.

fade - I agree that talking about this ever again is a mistake. I am concerned she will start to raise it when we begin custody mediation.

Does anyone here have experience with facing abuse allegations in mediation? I don't know if I should shut down mediation immediately, or handle it differently? Does it matter if we are using a separate mediator for custody-only (in which case that person will be well-versed in what's best for children)?