Ooooofta, just so many things in life that make my smack my forehead with the palm of my hand. These things don't directly involve me but thought I'd just journal about them and perhaps entertain a few of you or even spur some comments. If you're board (or interested) read on, but if you're looking for anything directly about me, you won't find it in this post.
I've had a female friend for hmmmmm I'd say maybe 8 or 9 years now. She was married to a longer-time friend of mine I've known from the music business. She's now around 43 I think and he's the same age as me at 56. They D'd just under two years ago now after separating for a few months, two years prior to that. I've also helped her through opiate addiction - which she seems to still be doing well in recovery from. They have two kids, now S14 and D9.
Anyhow, shortly after their D she announces she's moving in with a guy she met in 12-step. BAD IDEA! This has NO written all over including from 12-step itself and she was told this by many, including her sponsor who quit as her sponsor over it, but nope she knew best and this guy was great and his kids were great and it's all going to be wonderful. Then somewhat abruptly, as if the rest of this was not abrupt enough, they decided to fly off to Vegas to officially tie the knot. They are totally different people - and again it's an age span of 12 to 14 years with him being the age of her ex. I may have even written about her. At first they were not even going to tell the kids - just go and come back married. Thankfully at least they let the kids know first. That was last year in July.
I've much more distanced myself from her as I just can't deal with her craziness anymore. She's a very nice person and would give you the shirt off your back but just can't get her life together for some reason. So two weeks ago I get some late night texts saying her husband walked out and they are getting D'd. Of course I'm not just going to leave her hanging so I quickly responded. True to form by the time she responded back to me with any substance they had decided to "work it out" and she was returning back home. I said, I thought he walked out.... well not the total truth I guess. Anyhow, long story short, we finally got on the phone yesterday as she tells me "It's really hard trying to blend two families and it doesn't work like the Brady Bunch." Ha, really, no kidding! Her S14 has now moved in with her ex H full-time because he and her new husband don't get along at all. As for my friend and her new H, they have totally different interests, totally different parenting styles, different outlooks, just basically are two very different people living on very different plains as the marriage counselor they went to see put it.
They clearly should have never gotten married which they both now fully admit - only now it's too late. S14 is struggling with all sorts of things and if I had to guess is right on the edge of real trouble as with every passing year he has the capacity to get into real trouble. In the single digits they are still pretty easy to control and it's just temper tantrums and outbursts, etc. but into the teens it can become thefts and vandalism and drinking and drugs and who knows what else.
To her credit, I think, she's trying to make this M work but I think she knows it's not going to - like pretty much anyone who would look into this sitch. She's her own worst enemy, simply cannot stop acting on impulse and get her proverbial stuff together - even in her mid 40s. Perhaps even more frustrating (to me) is she is again telling me the exact same things she told me going into her first D two years ago. "I don't even know who I am, I need to figure out me and be by myself" as she fell right into a new R and just had to get married. So now, it's the same shtick "I need to figure out me and just be by myself" OMG it makes my head spin.
Then there is the College Dean. Anyone remember her from, oh, a little over a year ago? She's best friends with the sister of a very good friend of mine. I know the sister as well (Dean's BFF) but not as much. So anyhow after her D was final, and while I was trying to find someone to do the cruise last Spring, they both brought me up and suggested we should meet to which the Dean wisely said "I just got divorced I really don't think I want to date or should date this soon." I thought that was so insightful and very smart and it gave her extra points in my book. Add to it at least on paper she seemed like a great person - obviously educated, married many years, great career, great kids, some shared interests with me, even bought a house on a lake near me - so lived close by. The fact she is very pretty didnt' hurt either. Clearly what you see on paper, or in pictures...
I happened to be with my friend and her sister a week ago. I had mostly forgotten about the Dean but somehow it all popped back into my head and I asked, hey is your friend still dating that guy? Clearly without any excitement in her voice, she said "She's engaged" to which I burst out laughing. I mean, to me it's funny. Doesn't want to date yet marries the first and only guy she goes on a date with. Her friend somewhat seriously and sternly responded, "It's not funny Don." I don't know the guy, heck I don't know her, but obviously there is something going on there with her. Her friends are worried for her and probably for good reason. What are the chances that after 23 years married she meets the next love of her life in the very first and only try. Yes, it could happen - in theory - but really, what are the odds? We didn't go into any further detail but this BFF is clearly worried for her friend.
These are just two examples from real life, but then read the boards here, talk to friends, watch television, and wow, just wow, this post D world is just crazy. I'm not fully there yet but have to consider, are we just all screwed? I know Ginger's with me LOL. But why don't people learn from their mistakes? The drive for the fairy-tale must just be so strong - almost like a drug, it's intoxicating. I know, not everyone is like that - clearly KML is not and there are others. But it's just amazing people watching. My friend in the first example, yeah, that one is easy - who could not see that coming. It's almost like watching an episode of Before the 90 Days or 90-Day Fiance. But I would have thought more of this other girl - especially after saying it's too soon to date. Or perhaps she was shown a picture or told about me and she just didn't have any attraction so it "being too soon" was just her excuse. I'm like, wow, dodged yet another bullet. But there are so many people out there like this. And then there are others, at least that I know IRL, who won't date at all and have been single and more or less dateless for years and years. I can think of a half dozen right off the top of my head.
I've got to tell you, all of this doesn't make it easier for me to have optimism. On the plus side it allows me to put my life in perspective and it looks pretty good when placed up against those benchmarks. Anyhow. I hope this was not too much mindless dribble and someone get's something out of it. If not, watch one of the 90 Day Fiance shows on Sunday or Monday nights and you'll see what I'm talking about. Then see if you don't find actual people in your life just like them!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D