Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by IronWill

Very much relate to this, U. I was in your position back in April/May. W was running out the door and I was stumped. Then something happened to change her mind again. There is still no R, and no desire for one, but I will say everything has calmed way down, and there has been a slight improvement in communication. Not to give you false hope or give you expectations, but just to let you know feelings change, nothing is permanent, and this, too, shall pass.

Thanks IW. I notice that my W catches herself before getting emotional talking about custody or money. I can see this is difficult for her, but she is trying. Does this mean she cares about me? Or is she doing this because she knows if we can't be amicable we will have to resort to using L's? I don't know... it's an interesting observation, and I see no particular meaning in it.

Same here. I see my W trying. It's like she is fighting alarm bells going off in her head. She told me that during BD - she felt like there were three people inside her head all screaming to be heard at once

That's when I knew this was definitely not about me. That's when I cranked up the empathy studies.

Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by IronWill

I relate to this very much. I don't feel like trusting anyone right now. I don't think I can. And I think that's ok - that's all part of it.

How do you look at it, U? I thought about what you wrote and here is what I came up with:

If I cannot work on the R I wanted to work on, then I don't want to be in any R. I have a lot of things I still want to do. Before her crisis/whatever, W understood and encouraged me to do those things. It was hard enough finding someone who "got me" before our R, that's why I lived alone for 8 yrs.

Right now, I have a very hard time believing I could find someone else who would understand the way I am and why I do the things I like to do. And TBH I don't have the energy or time to explain these things again or to compromise on those things with anyone else. It is very sad, and it will be very different without W involved, but there is no reason I cannot still do what I want to do.

I would be very cautious about R's right now. I think there is the initial NRE exhilaration, where everything is generally positive. But all R's turn towards something more serious eventually, and I'm not sure I would even want that. From my current vantage point that looks like hard work, a huge time commitment, a lot of risk with little upside. I know my viewpoint is skewed and things will change.

I spent 15 years with my W, and the things that have happened the last 2 years make me think she has no clue who I am. And all along I thought that she did. It will take me a long time to get over that feeling and trust another person at a deeper level.

Yeah, I agree. No R's for a very long time.

I cannot remember where I read this, but it is something that has helped me greatly in times like this. It goes "Someone can hide who they are for a maximum of 12 months, 18 months at most. After that their real personality begins to appear."

Your W did not hide who she was for 15 yrs. Mine did not hide who she was for 21 yrs.

The experiences we both had were real - don't let the changes/crises happening now affect your view of what you had.

I think in time it will be easier to understand. We just have to get through it first.

If only we could have 20/20 hindsight now lol.