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Good stuff, U. The holding pattern is brutal, so kudos to you for fighting through it.
To be clear, I think I've gone off the DB path a little bit. I'm not holding because it is the best thing I can do for my MR. I think it's the best thing I can do for my upcoming D. Engaging with my W on any emotional level right now is likely to cause more pain.
It's not that I've given up completely. But I do think any R would be years down the road at this point. One thing I've learned recently is how far gone my W really was. This stuff was festering for years. And I'm not sure I could have prevented it -- I may not have known she was thinking about D, but I did know things were not working and I tried in my own clumsy way to work on the MR. I can live with the fact I gave it an honest effort.
I'm still working on getting over feeling angry about her not wanting to work things the same way I did. But I do understand.