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Sorry you're struggling so much, man. This is a very difficult situation to be in, where decisions that would otherwise not be such a big deal have huge consequences. It is the nature of the beast.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It is impossible to know of any other outcome in life because there are an infinite number of variables. It is not possible to know what could have been. I think once you accept that, you will find a lot of the angst and unsettled feeling inside will pass.
Of course, I say this while I am in a period of personal (relative) calm, but I too will also be in upheaval again. The thing is to realize that these moments will eventually pass.
Remember this isn't about you. You are not the one who initiated this. While you are changing for the better, there is no single thing you did or did not do that precipitated all of this. Could you have been a better husband? Could I? Could o have communicated better? Yes, naturally. But you care enough about your R to continually work on it, and you did what you thought was the best thing to do at that time.
As far as "taking advice" is concerned, I follow the motto "do what works". We are all here because we want help. People are very kind to offer their take on similar situations. Not every sit will follow the same pattern, they are all unique. There will be many common denominators in all of our MRs, but it is up to us to decide what advice to implement and how to do so.