Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by unchien

It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all..

Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all. (Personally, I think a few would be better served on militant men's rights forum) but that's for another day.

Also, it should be noted that many here give advice contrary to MWD. At times, I feel the advice here pushes spouse into binary thinking and thus moves them to divorce without giving them a path home.

Remember the things that did or didn't serve them in their marriages won't necessarily serve your efforts.

MW - Thanks for your input, I really enjoy hearing different points of view.

Back in June I signed up for 3 phone sessions. They were extremely helpful, and did offer a different take on how to approach my situation. I wouldn't say they were misaligned with forum advice, but the forum has a more hard line stance on how to approach situations. It's a self-selecting group here - most of us (and I think I'm in this group) found this forum when it was already too late. I've always read the advice here with that in mind - although so many situations are similar, each one has unique factors.

At times I have followed the forum advice, at times I have not. I moved out of the marital home in late June as part of our separation. I received a lot of push back on the forum, but I stand by that decision. My W's nerves were frayed, our kids were suffering, and logistically it made sense for me to move out. I was not going to perpetuate an untenable situation in an attempt to save my MR. I thought the removal of pressure would help while we went to MC. It didn't. It was still the right decision and I stand by it.

What I believe happened in my case is similar to others here. My W was thinking she wanted out long before I realized it. We relocated, and that stress broke us. It also did not help that we, as a couple, did not establish a healthy way to resolve conflict. So the longer this tension lasted, and was not discussed, the more I felt her distance, and the more she resented me. We are both at fault. We went to MC and rather than tell me what she was feeling, my W asked me to do more chores. And I was too dense too realize it. I will say I was also unhappy about the emotional distance I felt from her, and I admit I had some resentment over this. I felt unsupported. The only way back, in my mind, would be communicating with honesty and openness, and a willingness to resolve conflict. I can't make my W want to do that, all I can do is try to live by those values. I struggle. I get sucked in sometimes and forget to validate.

Could I have saved my MR? I guess had we not moved, we would probably still be M'd. Maybe. Who's to say. I'm no misogynist, I have a lot of empathy for what my W is experiencing.

Anyways, what you point to is exactly the issue that drives me crazy... Did I try hard enough? Did I mess up DB'ing?

This forum in many ways has turned my life around, even though it does not always follow MWD's advice. For that I am incredibly thankful. I go to IC, I read, all of that... but the advice on this forum has changed my mindset so I will go out and be happy whether or not my W joins me or not. I don't say that in a "take it or leave it" negative sense. I'm truly here if she wants to work together and join me. And I will be a better partner. I am a better father now. I am a happier person. I can handle difficult situations so much better.