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It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all. I feel guilty for dropping my faith, that I should hold out longer (I'm not religious, but I did have faith that we would be able to piece this thing back together somehow). I feel like my kids' lives will be so different from what I had hoped for them - not ruined, not worse, just different. I feel like my W was just waiting for me to agree to D so that SHE didn't have to live with her own guilt. She needed it to be a joint decision. I feel like none of this makes any sense. It makes no sense.
Then I feel like I have no choice but to give up. Three years of built-up resentment. Accusations of abuse. Accusations of being unsafe with my kids. Coming home every day hoping for my W to be there for me, but feeling like I just had a roommate. Going to MC1 and working on helping more around the house and with the kids, only to realize now it was all about resentment over the move and addressing those other symptoms were not going to help one iota. Feeling emotionally abandoned. All of it. Why continue this path of misery with someone who doesn't want to work on it? I haven't been happy. I told myself I was happy but I wasn't.
Or am I missing something I should be doing, or should have done, differently? It is absolutely maddening.
When we had our blow-up 6 days ago, she said I never tried to win her back. I told her "Go read those letters I wrote you in April". I wrote 3 letters then, 2 apologies, and 1 love letter. I know better now. I shouldn't have even said this to her. But she cannot read those letters and think "This is a guy who is checked out of the marriage." Again, why do I bother, it was a waste of my energy.
I spin and spin and just come to the same conclusion. I need to move on. She's not going to come around. And I'm not going to wait. I've been going at DB for about 6 months now, and on the self-improvement path for another year before that at least. My marriage didn't get any better. But I sure did.
I guess I just feel guilty letting go. We are all here trying to save our MR's, not give up on them.