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W and I go back to MC tomorrow, for the first time in a month. I imagine we will be talking about whether to go to mediation, etc.
W was texting me tonight about talking for 15 minutes beforehand about "finances" including her options for the house. She also said she thought we had been in agreement about D, but then the blow-up last Tuesday left her not knowing where I stand.
Ultimately this post is a big question about validation.
I want to say:
- I never wanted D, but given we are spending down our assets in a separation where we are not working on things (read: W has not opened up in MC), I see no choice. So don't make this about us making a "joint decision."
- The only financial option that makes sense is we list the house promptly. Given we are separated, the wise choice for me is to immediately financially separate and pay support payments. That would leave you on the hook, however, because it would not be enough to pay for the house payments, so I am actually *helping* you out here by letting you drag your feet.
- Saying that you understand relocation isn't an option and you are okay with that is not granting me a favor. It is the law unless you choose to go to court to move the kids.
- Saying that you want what's best for the kids (and implying that's the reason you aren't going to court to try to relocate) does not make me feel any warmth towards you.
I'm so expletive frustrated about this whole ordeal. Her story is so out of line with my reality. I'm no saint, but I'm also no villain. I don't want a D. But I feel like I'm out of options.
The true colors of my W (at least the last 2-3 years of her) have shown me a woman I cannot be happy with. Of course there is a chance she comes to terms with her baggage and makes some changes. It seems unlikely, and it definitely won't happen with me pointing out her baggage. I need to let her go, and at this point, the circumstances of my situation dictate that we move on with D.
And if we are moving on with D, then why would I do anything other than 100%. Pure. Validation.
- Don't let her know how I am feeling.
- No emotional reactions no matter how strong she baits me.
- Be pleasant but firm in negotiations.
Tell me if I'm wrong in this thinking. I know you all have already been advising this. Of course I need to stand up for what is fair, but I don't need to get baited into arguments like "I'm their father, I deserve 50/50!" Instead I just say, "I would like to be at 50/50".