Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by unchien
I was in a minor text skirmish with her tonight. I no longer avoid them completely. At one point I said, "Why do you always assume the worst in me?" and she responded "Because you blah blah blah..."


Well you kind of set yourself up for that one! Why even reply, it's texting! You can wait a couple of hours to reply. Or not reply at all. Don't let her draw you into nonsense, and if you do then validate and let it go. I know it's not easy, all of us are naturally inclined to defend ourselves. My GF is a classic example, pushes my buttons to get a reaction. If I defend myself it almost always ends up being a fight where we both think we're "defending ourselves". If I validate then inevitably she'll apologize and say she was just having a bad day. There's a MC who talks about it being like ju jitsu where you use your opponent's moves to defeat them. Instead of trying to block their attack, you allow them to attack and divert it and as a result you gain the upper hand. That is EXACTLY what validating is. Some people think validating is giving up or giving in, no it is not that at all. It is a different way of fighting back. It is ALLOWING an attack and dodging out of the way. You don't block it, but you don't let it hit you either. Validation is NOT an admission of guilt, or even saying "you're right". It is simply acknowledging that person has feelings and their feelings NO MATTER HOW CRAZY OR NONSENSICAL are legitimate. Right?


AS - I agree for the most part with your points. I was baited and I bit.

When we first went to MC2, my W started talking about this episodes she called abuse. I listened, I validated, I didn't defend. In a private conversation with the counselor, he thought that I was AGREEING with her version of events.

There is a point where validation is not the right approach. When faced with a narrative of abuse that is factually untrue, I do need to defend myself.