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To be clear. I'm not suggesting the LBS at 100% fault. But I am suggesting that if you want the WAS to accommodate your timeline you will never get anywhere- if you reconcile or don't reconcile it doesn't matter. You can't expect a tit-for-tat that the WAS will own up to their issues. (i'm not suggesting this is you unchien) And it's totally natural that you'd expect the WAS to work on her stuff as well. I don't think you could have a true reconciliation without it - to be frank.
But I am saying it might be much longer than you or any LBS wants
Agreed. I have no expectation on a timeline. I recognize it's asking a lot to say "W, I expect you to get over your resentment, projection and mind-reading since I'm sitting here waiting to work on our MR". Also I did contribute to this MR erosion including not working together with her as a healthy couple. So now she is fairly entrenched in her beliefs and it just is what it is. It will take a long time (if ever) to resolve.
Originally Posted by kas99
Guilt is overrated, feeling horrible keeps you stuck, and none of us here are 100% to blame. I'm still where you are where I feel better focusing (at times) on what WAH did than myself. It's called "blame shifting" for a reason. Consider this you allowed your W to treat you this way. She has her issues as my WAH does but we allowed the behavior to continue. We gave them permission to treat us less than regardless of who started it.
If we both focus on what we can control that is power. Should I get the gift of reconciling I will have a choice of deciding whether or not he's all in or not. Whether I stay and fight or whether I leave. I decide not him.
I'm not there yet by all means but this is where I'm aiming for but first I have to get to the part where I don't need him anymore. This part stinks.
There is very little I can control. I can control my own actions and words. I am very consciously not trying to blame shift. Although I would have preferred she told me she resented me for the move, I understand that my behaviors contributed to her reticence. I don't go so far as to say "I allowed her to treat me this way" but there is some truth there also. It's why one of my recent 180s is to cut out the validation and speak up for myself sometimes. It runs counter to DB advice, but I think I let myself be walked on, and let my W continue to project because I was not expressing my feelings. As long as I am okay with her reactions - ignoring what I say, arguing, projecting, twisting my words. I don't have any expectations about how she will react (in fact my expectation is all of the above), but I think it would be wrong for me to stay silent. At some point, if we are ever to even attempt a reconciliation, the first little baby step would be her actually acknowledging what I say. Showing me that she listened. I don't expect this will ever happen, but if it does, I will surely notice.
The dynamic for the past several months was my W shifting 100% of the blame onto me. Any blame she accepts (at least as far as she has shown to me) is that she allowed the move to happen even though internally she was unsure at best. I don't see that as a proper acknowledgment of her role.
Relationships are dynamic. There are individual issues, and then the issues of the dynamic between two people. It's complicated. Blame is pointless. We all make mistakes. We can all do better. I certainly could have done a lot better.