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Statistics say that your W probably starting thinking about the divorce before you moved and before your D was born and that the move was her last ditch effort to be happy. It's very common and we see it here all the time that WW drop the bomb after being in their dream house for 6 months. They are acting on emotions and not logic and reason.
I know that you don't believe it now but I promise you that two years from now you will be ten times happier then you feel today. I can guarantee it.
LH19 - I do believe the D seeds were sown before we moved. We had owned a house in the prior city. We sold that house, with the intent of renting for a year and making some decisions about whether to stay or move (my job situation was very unstable there). That year of renting was incredibly stressful. Towards the end, day by day we would think we were staying, moving to city A, moving to city B, etc.
We could have stayed and rented another year. Or purchased a less expensive home. My W turned down those options. I didn't force her to move. We were both fully on board.
Anyhow, I completely agree with you that the beginning of the D goes back probably 3 years.
Originally Posted by IronWill
The timescale for this is ultra-long. I don't think many people fathom just how much of a marathon it is. I am only beginning to get it now and it's been 13 months for me.
It may take years for a WAS to realize they threw something good away. Or they may never realize it.
Sobering stuff, for sure.
IW - I'm not even sure she's throwing something "good" away. I think it could be good. Maybe it wouldn't be. That's the thing about DB... after awhile, my brain more and more has accepted that ANY future will be good. That is the sweet spot where I want to be. That is letting go. I'm going to make my life good. She can be a part of it or not. If she's by my side, I will work to be a great partner.
Originally Posted by Many worries
The sad reality is that many LBS here make changes for a few months then complain about their spouse aren't recognizing their "change" They seem to want their spouse to instantly realize that the LBS is a new person and life will be better and grand.
Um no, it doesn't work like that. Not at all. For most of the WAS, their resentment, etc was built up over years. The LBS did things to harm the marriage for YEARS. A few months of changes isn't going to make that disappear. Doing the LBS drill of working out, going to church, becoming a super parent, isn't going to fix that.
And even if things do get better and the LBS and WAS reconcile...that process to heal the marriage will take years. it isn't instantly going back to the same marriage. I see so many LBS give up, move one because the work, the waiting is just too hard. (I'm not saying they are wrong or bad people) Everyone makes their own choices about how long they want to live in limbo.
MW - I think about this too sometimes. I have made so many changes in the past 6 months. But the thing is, I recognized my baggage for years, read books, went to IC, and it wasn't enough. It took the horrific pain of dealing with my MR falling apart to FORCE me to change.
I believe people are capable of change, but it takes a LOT for people to change. The universe almost has to force people to change. This is just a personal opinion. I look at my W and her issues, and I think... it's not so easy to just address one's own baggage. That sounds paternalistic, but it's not. It's not as if I am "fixed" - I have only scratched the surface.
I don't think those changes mean my W should accept me back. In fact, for us to ever reconcile, I would need to see her work to make changes. I understand this is an emotional time and it's unreasonable to expect she's going to change right now, nor should I ever expect her to change. Her resentment is thick, her knee-jerk mind-reading prevents her from hearing what I try to communicate. I need her to see value in a partnership with me.
I contributed to our MR falling apart. She did too. She doesn't see it that way. There's no getting around it. We both were ill-equipped to handle the stress of 3 kids and a relocation. I accept my part. I also don't think this is a matter of me fixing myself and then her accepting me back.
I haven't necessarily given up on limbo. I was in limbo for about 12 months (ramping up from a "some things are wrong with our MR" to "my W is shutting down communication and researching D"). We agreed to separate (I moved out). She asked for time and space. As I saw it, she was in a heightened emotional state and staying in the home was unhealthy for all of us - me, her, the kids. I moved out because it made more sense logistically. I could sense my W was emotionally building up and it was not healthy. Moving out was a relief valve for us all.
The problem is that we are spending more than we take in now. That pressure has forced action. 4 months into physical separation, although we have gone to counseling (about 1x/month now), my W has shown zero interest in talking about our marriage issues. The financial pressure combined with zero movement has really forced us both to acknowledge this isn't working.
I'm not really giving up on her. I am very in touch with what changes I would need to see (or at least, the beginnings of changes) in order for me to go back to the MR, to move in with her. It would take baby steps. She cut me deep. I will never forget some of the things she has said and done. That's not to say I am incapable of forgiveness. But those memories are touchstones which remind me not to go back to my NGS tendencies and accept a lousy partnership.
I made my own mistakes too. I am ready to talk, when she is ready. The reality is we are going to need to go through with this D, and all the painful emotions associated with that. Maybe years down the road, my W will want to come back and work on things. Maybe I will be here with an open mind. Maybe not. I don't know. I haven't given up.
I think of the metaphor posted sometimes here about walking down the path. The LBS walks down the path, periodically shining a flashlight back in case the WAS wants to come along. The LBS is not standing still. Sometimes the LBS confuses Limbo with standing still.
I think we often confuse Limbo with that period of time between "WAS has expressed a desire to divorce" and "actual divorce filing." I don't think Limbo is defined by specific events or timelines. We are in Limbo when it is unclear where our MR is going. Yes, we can choose to exit Limbo by giving up on the MR. That is *not* the same as proceeding with a D. I haven't given up. However, this is not sustainable. I am repeatedly reminded by my W of how I have, more or less, ruined her life (in her mind). It is not healthy for me to wait for her. In the meantime, my relationship with my kids, albeit with long gaps of time without seeing them, is better than ever. I cannot wait years in limbo, financially digging a hole, hoping that this person who thinks I am a monster (at the moment) is going to change and be willing to work on things. I'm not even sure that is best for my kids anymore.
This is a long rambling response. I guess I'm trying to sort this out. I haven't given up.