Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by IronWill
The timescale for this is ultra-long. I don't think many people fathom just how much of a marathon it is. I am only beginning to get it now and it's been 13 months for me.

It may take years for a WAS to realize they threw something good away. Or they may never realize it.

Sobering stuff, for sure.

Truth. But it also works for the LBS. The sad reality is that many LBS here make changes for a few months then complain about their spouse aren't recognizing their "change" They seem to want their spouse to instantly realize that the LBS is a new person and life will be better and grand.

Um no, it doesn't work like that. Not at all. For most of the WAS, their resentment, etc was built up over years. The LBS did things to harm the marriage for YEARS. A few months of changes isn't going to make that disappear. Doing the LBS drill of working out, going to church, becoming a super parent, isn't going to fix that.

And even if things do get better and the LBS and WAS reconcile...that process to heal the marriage will take years. it isn't instantly going back to the same marriage. I see so many LBS give up, move one because the work, the waiting is just too hard. (I'm not saying they are wrong or bad people) Everyone makes their own choices about how long they want to live in limbo.

Agreed. I would also note that the LBS usually has a tendency to over-exaggerate the faults that were shown to them during the BD - because they were delivered during a highly emotional, sensitive, and stressful time. It takes lots of distance and the ability to change perspective outside of oneself for the LBS to understand that, while there were problems in the MR, it is not solely the LBS that caused the MR distress.

Yes, it is the responsibility of every LBS to change for the better for themselves. But the WAS has just as much responsibility to own up to their own side of the issues, once they come out of their crisis/fog/call it what you will. If they do not, whether it be through Recon or a new R, they will end up kicking the can down the road and have the same thing happen again and again.