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If you follow my posts I comment a lot about how winning her back, making grand gestures etc. only works in the movies. I never will forget my MC saying that when two people come to see her and their attitude is divorce is not an option she has a 100% success rate. I have also read that 75% of people who filed for divorce 5 years later say they wished they would have tried harder.
If she is ever to be in that 75%, I completely believe it will take 5 years to get to that point.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by unchien
The problem I have here is that I do believe she resents me for the move.
Oh sure, she does NOW! That's my point, that's what rewriting history means. A year ago she was completely fine with it, said it was best for the family, and she wasn't lying! At that time she believed what she was saying. Now? It was a terrible idea that unchien forced her into against her will, and she resents you for it. That right there is classic rewriting of history. She wasn't lying then, she isn't lying now. If you're looking at the marriage through rose-colored glasses she has inky-black glasses on, now she sees the bad as bad and the good as bad and everything in-between as bad. With time she will remember there were good things in the M, but not now, and not for a good long while. So when she talks crazy talk you listen and validate and dismiss. Don't let it keep you up at night.
The thing is I do think she resents me for the move. She just never admitted it. She instead had 100 other things to complain about and eventually I just felt inadequate and got more and more desperate to try to fix things.
I was in a minor text skirmish with her tonight. I no longer avoid them completely. At one point I said, "Why do you always assume the worst in me?" and she responded "Because you blah blah blah..."
Rather than, I dunno, "I don't always assume the worst in you."
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I think there is a certain amount of inevitability to many of our sitches. I spent a lot of time considering what I should have done differently. How I could have been a better husband and father. My conclusion? I could have done better but I don't think it would have changed anything. What my XW went through, I don't think any actions on my part could have prevented it. I think the same could be said for most people here, maybe not all but certainly most. The people who end up here are not flaming jerks, they are good, loving, dedicated, loyal people who don't understand why they are here and are truly heart-broken and desperate to make things better. What does that kind of person sound like? A great spouse, that's what. When my XW and I had our ill-fated attempts at MC the C asked W if she respected me, and she said yes. She asked if she loved me and she said yes. She said "what about the sex, is he selfish in that regard? Doesn't meet your needs?" She said "Oh the sex is fantastic, in fact I wouldn't mind continuing to have sex!" The C looked GENUINELY astonished at these answers. She looked at W and said "So you love him, respect him and have great sex with him. In marriage counseling we call those the 3 pillars of a marriage, without any one of them the marriage can't be held up. But what you're describing we call the makings of a great marriage! So what exactly is wrong?" She said "I don't know, I just don't want to be married anymore."
That's a long story but the point is simply that it may have been inevitable regardless of what you may have done differently.
I also think I could have done better. I resist saying, "I did my best" because there is no such things as one's best. But I did try.
Sometimes I wonder if the move was the instigator for this, and I know it's pointless. Would we be happily married had we not moved? And that is just impossible to know. We were under incredible financial stress. We could just as well have moved a year later, to a different city. Maybe something else would have changed. I know I probably would have stayed in my NGS mode.
To your point, maybe it was inevitable. Whatever my W is dealing with, past traumas, her own baggage... I can't help her with that.