My dad is a generally positive and loving man and I have been blessed in this life with an amazing set of parents. I'm truly fortunate to have been raised by 2 such wonderful individuals. While my dad is awesome, he sometimes has an odd outlook and one of his long-time sayings is "if it weren't for the bad luck I had, I wouldn't have any luck at all". I'm TOTALLY feeling that vibe today and it is weighing on me like a ton of bricks.

My brother called me last night to 1.) let me know that he and his girlfriend have found a house and are now moving the very same weekend I have been planning to move. (It frustrates me because we were relying on him and my nephew to help us, but now they will be moving their own stuff and we are left with no one while my brother has called in his army of friends to help him. So frustrating, but we'll get past it.) and 2.) our stepmother is in the hospital and is not doing well at all and there is a very real possibility that she may not make it. Now, we have never had a close relationship with her, like a mother/child relationship, because she came into our lives when we were all long into adulthood, but we all like her and she likes all of us and most importantly, she makes my dad happy and if he's happy, then we're happy, so we are all good to go there. I am truly saddened for her, her daughters, her grandchildren and my dad and I worry about how this will affect him in the long run.

I love Sparky and he's a good man, but sometimes he and I don't process things the same way, so when I told him about my brother's move, his initial response was "that [censored]" (which I TOTALLY agreed with). He didn't say anything for a few minutes, then he came back with something to the effect of he knew it sounded crappy but bro's move is not more important than ours. While I didn't necessarily think it sounded crappy per se, I just wondered what it meant, because my main reason in telling him was not because I was suggesting we postpone our move or anything. I was just sharing information so we could figure out what we needed to do to make ours happen with less people. I told him I agreed his move wasn't more important than ours, but to my brother it is. Just like to us ours is more important. I assured him I was not trying to change our plans but just sharing info.

So, then, I made a financial mistake and it was kind of a big one. It's a long story and I won't go into particulars here because it won't likely make sense, but the gist of it is I did something I know better than doing and counted on money I didn't actually have in hand and paid some bills with that in mind, then the money fell through and I was left scrambling to cover something else. I just flat screwed up. So, I told Sparky and in the process of the conversation I broke down and started crying. I'm a big crier. I can't help it. Always have been. In that moment, I felt stupid, defeated, like a loser and like I had completely let him down. He listened and validated as best he could, but sometimes his way of validating comes across as a bit cold to me and in that moment I just really needed to hear something like "it will all be ok". I'll talk to him about it later, when we can actually talk face to face and I do appreciate the things he did say, but I was just feeling extremely low in the moment. I was able to fix the issue with a few phone calls and some money shuffling, but I was just upset with myself and angry at myself in the moment.

Then, just to make sure I was awake, the universe smacked me again. My youngest daughter's mother called to let me know they had to rush her to the ER today because she has having abdominal pains so bad that she couldn't even stand up. This is the same daughter that had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. I'm sure everyone who is a parent feels exactly like I did in that moment and that is you hate to see your child hurt and you want to do anything in your power to take away that pain that they feel.

I'm left feeling stressed and low at this point. I have cried enough tears for about 10 people today and feel like I'm on the verge of crying more any time now. This is a time when I would dearly love to already live in the same house with Sparky so I could just go home and cuddle up on the couch with him and just know that everything would be fine. But I can't. And, it's ok. Everything really will be fine. Just on a downward slump right now, but it will pick back up.

Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)