Originally Posted by DaB35

It seems like she is also detaching from me too. It feels very strange talking to her in this curt way, when previously we'd be littering our emails with "xxxxxxxx" etc. I do wonder what she's thinking sometimes. Are we both playing the same game - keeping aloof from each other?


The LBS detaches as a trick to try to get the WAS back at first. Eventually they detach for real, but it takes a lot of time to get there. The WAS on the other hand WANTS to detach. It's what they want from the moment of BD. So while you see it as a game or strategy, she sees it as her moving on.

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My fundamental belief is she's been co-erced and pressured into choosing D by others, and I occasionally feel a little down by the fact that she effectively just 'switched off' her love for me in less than 12 weeks


It is extremely hard to believe, but it is accurate. She really HAS switched off her love for you. For now she wants S and D, not because of what others are telling her but because it really is what she wants. I know it's hard to believe that the person that was madly in love with you can be like this now, but this is your reality. She may very well change later, but it won't happen anytime soon. The sooner you understand just how far gone she is the easier it will be for you to truly detach.

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Is she re-writing history with her friends and family, and boasting about how she's 'strong and will be fine. I don't need him.' etc. etc.?


Yes she is. She believes her narrative for now. Later she may very well wonder why she did it and what she was thinking.

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I have fleeting moments of feeling frustration at her - admitting to not want to put any effort into salvaging the M, or refusing MC and IC for herself, or just listening to biased opinions from friends/work colleagues/family. What really annoyed me is her work colleagues saying "I took my husband back and now I regret it." She has just assumed her life will play out exactly like theirs.


Whatever others are telling her doesn't matter. WAS's surround themselves with enablers. They are drawn to people that agree with their narrative and they move to cut people out of their lives that argue against what they are doing, even if it's their own family. A lot of LBS's want to blame people for "helping" them but what they don't realize is the WAS is engineering it all. She is finding people to tell her what she wants to hear.

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I wonder what will happen in a few months' time, when D is over, we're both single, house sold, and she's living in a tiny bedroom in her brother's house (she can have a desk or a wardrobe, not both. That's how small it is). Will she feel like she made the right decision?


Here is what will probably happen- you'll keep finding ways to temp check her. Every time you do, no matter how small, it drives her farther away and convinces her splitting is the right thing to do. Eventually you'll decide she really is done and you'll go about building a life without her. You'll get out and GAL, you'll meet someone new, you'll start dating and enjoying yourself and realizing you're a pretty good catch and there's not just one "soul mate" for you in the world. THEN she'll start missing you. You're no longer "good ol' reliable plan B". She'll see the value in you that she blocked out of her mind. She may very well start temp checking YOU. But by then you'll be done and moved on and not sure you want to open yourself up to all that pain and misery with her again.

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Should my plan therefore be:
1. Just go with the D, let the house be sold, let us divide up the assets, leave her be.
and
2. Continue to GAL and feel more positive about myself
and
3. Don't talk to her unless she asks something about the house and even then keep it business-like and short.


Yes exactly!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56