“Oh, how I have wasted my time?” said little Gerda; “it is autumn. I must not rest any longer,” and she rose up to go on. But her little feet were wounded and sore, and everything around her looked so cold and bleak. The long willow-leaves were quite yellow. The dew-drops fell like water, leaf after leaf dropped from the trees, the sloe-thorn alone still bore fruit, but the sloes were sour, and set the teeth on edge. Oh, how dark and weary the whole world appeared!
For those paying attention, yes, I have gone back a few chapters in the story of the Ice Queen. Gerda had made it to the castle, but shortly after her tears melt the ice in Kay's heart. My tears have not melted anything except maybe some of the beautiful hearts here. So I realized I have not made it to the castle at all. Or that I don't know what the castle is.
Seven years in, and I am stronger and clearer-headed. My faith is I think stronger than ever, but I no longer try to understand God's plan for me and I think I am entering a new period of understanding that I can't ever get God to do what I want by being good. And this has set me on a totally different path of faith, one that is a lot darker in some ways.
I am no closer to believing that this is real. I live my life, I have joy and a whole life of my own, very full of many things I love to do and be, advances in my artistic career, and even friendships I didn't have before which are sometimes confusing. But I don't know what standing is anymore, as I face my H in court and see in some ways pure evil. Standing has been my identity all this time, and it was never confusing to love unconditionally. But this divorce is a whole new thing -- not the divorce but what he is doing to make it happen. I realize that in some ways he wants me totally destroyed. And yet I can so clearly see how broken he is, and I even feel sorry for him. That terribly broken man sitting in the court is not my man, but I can't stop believing that my man still exists. Even when I read the threads of my friends here -- sjohn and sbj and DnJ -- and see the acceptance in your posts, and hear about your dating, I get really sad. I don't believe it is real in your lives either. Everyone I know is always marveling at how happy and normal I appear, esp since H moved out. But I'm still on my knees at least once a day, totally bowed in grief. I have healed somewhat from my past but there is a gaping wound related to my future.
Last edited by job; 09/28/1904:23 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread and removed link to another site
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.