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Yeah it’s not surprising she’s “pulling away”. I use it in quotes because she was never there in the first place. She was just using you for moral support. If you guys work this out it will take years. Until she comes to you and says “baller I’ll do whatever it takes to work this out”.


LH is absolutely right that the onus is on her to do "her" work and make amends and show true contrition and demonstrate a commitment to fixing things, etc etc... but i would take issue with the "it will take years". IMHO (and in my experience) time-frame with WWs is largely irrelevant once the affair matures-- that is, you are a few months in. Sandi2 herself has said on numerous occasions that the timeframe for affair recovery and reconcilliation (where possible, because it not always is) would be drastically shortened in many cases if the LBH upon affair discovery immediately "dropped his own bomb" and said "get out, I'm done with you." Sadly, most of us, myself included, are not so sharp and on the ball and/or have not been properly coached/advised. Others, as AnotherStander has noted, go through the motions of DB-ing and setting boundaries and detaching but do not truly do so... and a WW can smell such insincerity like a shark smells blood. The bottom line is that the affair will end and reconciliation, if possible, will start at whatever point the WW suffers or recognizes some kind of "loss" from her wayward behavior and hits "rock bottom". By definition almost, that will not happen while you are still "attached" and interested in her and her doings and her affair(s), nor will it happen before you become, through GAL-ing and DB-ing, the best you you can become and AMOAFWL. You need to drop the rope and move on with your own awesome life. For better or worse, we all manage to achieve such success and detachment at varying rates of speed, and affairs, once "ripe" have an indeterminate lifespan... though certainly one measured at a minimum in weeks to months. This can mean that, after you get hit with the initial BD, it can be anywhere from a few weeks to, yes, several years before any true reconciliation/piecing begins (in my opinion it doesn't need to be "years"-- it was not in my case--13 months-- nor, i believe, was it the case with TXHubby or Sandi2, though i could be mis-remembering). The focus, however, should be on you and not on any kind of countdown clock... if you're truly detached, the length of the affair and of your W's waywardness will not be of concern to you.

So the end advice from me is the same: Detach, detach, detach, GAL, GAL, GAL.... It's just that i always thought the pronouncement of "it will take years" (and there is a sizeable contingent on this board that preaches that) is a bit too "gloom and doomer". This is, after all, divorce busting, meaning, i would presume, that one of the desired goals of one's self improvement, detachment, etc is, if possible and consistent with our own new, awesome life, a reconciliation of the MR. Maybe some think it is too hard for a person to entertain that future possibility in the back of their mind and be truly "detached", but i do not. Rather, it's a matter of getting yourself in the right frame of mind that you will be just fine whether or not your MR reconciles even as, all else being equal, you view reconciliation as a desirable goal.

Last edited by hoosjim; 09/20/19 03:48 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3