good morning. yesterday, my cousins and their husbands came to visit mom and change out her lock for a combination lock. the thought was it would be easier to give a code to health care providers and then change it when necessary. of course, it's beyond mom. I don't blame her at all. there's a key she can lose.

I was already not feeling well, both physically and emotionally. in fact, I was trying to nap when they came, because I'd had several nights of bad or no sleep. One of my cousins, whom I'm close to, actually, just ... ugh. She made my mom cry, by reminding her of the date (I'd been very careful not to do that, as my parents' wedding anniversary was sunday). It also became very apparent that she's transferring her grief about losing her mom onto my mom. Her mom had dementia. My mom doesn't. One example: my mom has never lost a key in her life. Cousin said, "Don't give her that key. She's just going to lose it immediately" -- I told her mom has never lost a key. It went downhill. I ended up telling my cousin that she really needs to focus on taking care of herself right now. She's had a major health issue she's been dealing with since my aunt passed. I don't think she appreciated it, as she left soon after. She means well, but no one wants to be bullied, or made to feel less than because they aren't doing it the way she thinks it ought to be done. There isn't just one way to do anything, and her need for control is unwelcome. Despite how harsh it sounds, I'm very proud of the fact that everything I said to her was said in a very calm and gentle tone. Her tone was neither of those things, but that says more about where she's at than about the person it was directed at (me).

Despite my holding back, it really has bothered me a lot. I was already feeling blue and down, I sure didn't need extra. Son and I talked about it. I left to go grocery shopping. I didn't tell him I was going for a ride to pick up a pair of work boots for him, as the last pair is full of holes. I wanted to surprise him and told him it was an investment in his future, and that he would find work soon. Anyway, I had to drive 45 minutes to find size 13s. I'd called ahead so they were at the front register when I got there. I then went grocery shopping for mom and us. Son called a few times. Each time he asked if I was ok. He knew I was really bothered by my cousin's actions. I had to make a few stops as he'd asked for some specific things, and I like to oblige. Plus, I just needed time to work it out and driving sometimes does that for me. I don't know how much I worked out, as I still am out of sorts a bit this morning.

My friend's issue that he's been grappling with was resolved in a pretty dramatic Deus ex machina way. I teased him by asking whatever will we find to talk about now? So we will see how and if anything changes on that front.

I bought a couch. Finally. It's teal. Usually I pick really neutral, earth tones. This is not neutral, but will look amazing with my rug and countertops (open floor plan), and the grey walls. I'm nervous though. I bought the ottoman too. This is the first couch I've ever bought without exh. How is that possible? Spend 26 years with someone, that's how. Every time I do something like this that's a first, it's unnerving. I find that where I'm usually very decisive, in these matters I second guess myself. I actually took photos of the rug and sent the link online for the couch to my friend on the west coast to get her input. "Are you crazy?" was her immediate response. I said, "you're right I will cancel it." "NO YOU WON'T - it IS an earth tone. It's beautiful and will look great! Remember your front door (a similar color). You're going to be fine."
Ok. I'm going to be fine. She said so. You all have now been told as well, so it's official. This single thing. It takes some getting used to.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi