so. long long long week. and it's only Thursday. ugh.

had a scare with mom this morning. she was convinced that black spots were throughout the house and couldn't figure out why.

it was her vision, caused by dehydration and low blood pressure.

She's fine now. and so am I but wow. That was scary.

I have a new system with three bottles of water, labeled 8am, noon and 4pm. I will call her at noon and 4 to remind her to drink. Nurse thinks it's a great plan. We'll see how long she's compliant.

Son starts his new job on Monday. He's had a better time of it this past week. I can see improvement in his mood - he's more talkative and more willing to spend some time with me, so we can connect after our day. Overall he seems less down, which is a prayer answered. I know it's only the beginning, but I'm grateful.

Had a weird time with friend on Sunday. I am left wondering again are we just friends or is he thinking more. I also on Monday saw the guy that I was semi-attracted to last month - - and pfft. nuthin. I mean I am absolutely NOT attracted. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just not ready? I had a total melt down Monday night, crying a LOT, really triggered by my uncle's death which marked the beginning of exh's MLC. I loved my uncle dearly. So did son and exh. I miss him so much, his wisdom, humor, guidance and love. He's been gone 8 years now. Which means that exh is 8 years deep into his MLC, with no sign of coming out at all. I don't know how to stop loving the man I married - who in my mind is a different person from the man who walked out on me. The man I married no longer exists, so I'm like a grieving widow, except there's no corpse. How do I move on from this? I think part of the problem is that the deep intimacy that develops over years together is what I'm really missing. That cannot be found in anything new, as it simply takes time to develop. Anyway, more grieving and letting go. I'm tired of this. When will it end?


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi