ty G. Had a very long talk with my dear friend and Reiki mentor last night. This is a busy week, as starting today no less than three of my close friends have bdays (today, tomorrow and my "twin" on Sunday), as well as a couple of less close friends' on Friday and Saturday. Lots of birthday greetings flying around and catching up to do.

Work this week has been exhausting. I'm trying to find a replacement for our new hire, have gone through at least 30 resumes and conducted on average three interviews a day since Monday. It's grueling. Only one person is being invited in for a face to face. Some people don't even bother to look closely at what they're applying to. In some cases I feel like I'm putting more care into screening them than they did into applying, which says a lot about attention to detail (name this post A Virgo on Nitpick Patrol). Two more phone screens today, which I'm not looking forward to at all. Also boss is back in from his short time away, and we will address the co-worker who unloaded on me for being the messenger earlier in the week. I. Can't. Wait. I don't want my life to be something to just 'get through' but I certainly feel that way today. Mom likes her aide and she's getting support so maybe I can be her daughter again instead of the primary caregiver.

Other than the acupuncture appointment on Saturday, I have no real plans for my birthday weekend. My hope is that on Monday night I will have my office set up and the guest room organized, all the laundry done and be ready for the week. If the yard also gets weed whacked/mowed, then great. If not, then there's always next year. I need to get this place organized for my own peace of mind.

There's also the matter of the car to sort out and that's going to happen probably today and tomorrow. I've looked at cars and have no idea what the budget is, because it's dependent on the insurance amount. I'm torn between buying a beater to drive for a couple of years and buying something nicer and driving it into the ground. The decision will become easier once I have real #s to play with.

I've decided to put off Dad's bday party. I'm the only one who seems interested so I will celebrate him myself. Maybe I'll have a bash for the family closer to the holidays. Right now, I'm going to keep putting my ducks in a row to the best of my ability.

My anxiety while not off the charts today is still palpable. I have a lot on my mind, to say the least, including some things I can't discuss here that are really weighing heavily on me. I really miss exh at times like these, to talk over these very personal things and help sort through it, although it's been far longer than since BD since he was really present. Friend is away on vacation, so there's been no contact beyond a like or two on something posted on FB.

Since I am also Queen of Lists, I will defend my checklist for a future mate. Let's look at it from a project management perspective. When doing a needs analysis, there are dealbreakers, must haves, good to haves and would be nices. I'm not saying every item on the needs assessment has to be met, but I sure better know what the dealbreakers are, and the 'musts'. It's the 'good to have' and 'would be nice' columns that don't need to be the complete match. My point is, how many of us took a logical approach in the past? I didn't, that's for sure, and I overlooked certain things that caused me much heartache. I'm not interested in meeting yet another blood brother of exh and exbf. I'd really rather be alone than compromise on my musts/dealbreakers, because compromising on those only leads to misery for me. No thanks. I've had enough of that.

Friend checks off much of the musts, and none of the dealbreakers except one that I'm still waiting to see how it plays out. He may very well be love avoidant. He certainly has earned that right, as his ex put him through living hell, so I get it. He's said things like he'll never be the giver again, to that degree. That might be a deal breaker for me. I think I know what he means, but I'm not looking to be the one doing the heavy lifting. In fact, I won't be the only one doing the heavy lifting in any future relationship. From time to time that role shifts back and forth, so what I mean here is that I won't be the one always doing the heavy lifting. That only led to misery and heartache for me and who the heck needs more of that in this hell-realm we call Earth?

I'm still not sleeping well, and when I do sleep man, the dreams are dark, chaotic and disturbing without me remembering details when I wake up. Hopefully that will pass also as the car issue gets resolved and Mom settles into the new routine with the helpers.

I'm sorry I haven't been in a better place lately. This stuff is just hard. Everyone goes through it sooner or later. Just my turn right now.

M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi