Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2815862#Post2815862


I have a longish history, so to catch anyone up, here's a synopsis:

We had a fabulous, wonderful marriage for 15 years, but things started unravelling, and we weren't really happy or close for about 10 years.

W desperately unhappy, severely depressed.... left me in July 16.

GAL, 180's, personal growth, self reflection to understand my flaws, got a girlfriend, moved on with my life, yada yada. But I've never been able to fully detach from her, and the dream of reconciliation (it's been an issue).

We've always gotten along well, even in the darkest days of D, to the point that people here and IRL have said how unusual it was.

The D has taken forever; she hasn't pushed it forward aggressively, and I'm not going to do it for her. Having said that, it should be finished shortly, less than a month. Everything is done except the final court appearance.

About a month and a half ago she absolutely blows my mind by telling me she wants to reconcile. She's been undergoing a new anti depression therapy that has been miraculous, and realizes how badly she misses me and wants to get back together. I tell her I need time to think about it.

I go see our marriage counsillor, who says something that resonates. "Now that she's opened the door to reconciliation, can you continue in your relationship with GF without continually looking back and wondering, "What if?"? and if not, is that fair to GF?"

I think about that question for a month, before telling GF I need to explore this with W. All in all, it went reasonably well. She's not waiting, but wishes me the best.

From here on out it's mostly just journalling.....

I'm very guarded. I'm hopeful, but not optimistic, if that makes sense. I hope we can put our marriage back together, but don't really believe she understands what needs to change for me to be happy in our relationship. Things have changed enough in the last three years that I'm not willing to settle anymore for a mediocre wife. I'm willing and able to be the worlds best husband, and I deserve no less than a wife who is my equal.

I tell W we can see if reconciliation is possible, but it will not be quick. I am unwilling to move forward quickly, and she needs to regain my trust. She knows I understand how my behaviors contributed to her unhappiness, and knows I am resolved to behaving differently. She is clueless as to how her behaviors contributed to my unhappiness, and I am hesitant to tell her for two reasons... 1. In counselling she didn't really hear how her behaviors upset me and I suspect it will be far more impactful if she figures it out on her own than if I just tell her, and 2. I don't want to make it too easy for her. I guess I feel like I've done the work, and a reconciliation doesn't really have much chance for success unless she does some of her own. I have given her some guidance and hints.

So it's been a few weeks. and not much has happened. We saw each other to talk a few weeks ago, and I asked how a new relationship would be different, and she didn't have much of an answer. I suggested she spend some time thinking about her failures in our relationship, and her response was very uninsightful, "I should have given you sex more often and reacted better to things you said and did."

We haven't seen each other for two weeks. It wouldn't have been easy to get together as our schedules just didn't synch up, and she was sick for a few days, but I'm kind of wondering how committed she is if she can't find time to get together, especially since not being a priority for her is one of my issues. I really pressured her to spend time together in our marriage, so one of my 180s is not to push her to get together. But two weeks?

Anyway, I'm taking my time, trying to give her an opportunity to understand my needs and commit to meeting them, but am not sure she can or will. And that's ok. If she can't, I can move on and be satisfied. My only real concern at this point is how long do I give her before I give up on her? That part I haven't figured out yet.

I am back to seeing our marriage counsellor. W doesn't want to go. I can understand why, because I viewed counselling as a "safe space" and said some things that hurt her badly there, but I am not sure we will get through this without some more counselling. I guess I just don't feel secure enough that she won't misinterpret some of the things I say (she had a history of reacting "disproportionately" (counsellor's word, not mine)) to talk openly and honestly about them without the counsellor's intercession..


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17