starting a new thread. woke up at 1:30am. i've been listening to a lot of Chris Cornell solo work lately, especially the higher truth and songbook albums. this thread references a great song that starts out where i am now and hopefully goes where i will be soon, so it seemed fitting to choose it as a title.
the battle continues with the insurance company, but i'm talking to a different person and made my pitch, i've learned quite a bit at the job over the past 4 years, so i've put together a compelling case for them to move on their extremely low-ball price. i don't think my car is fixable. even if it is, i've added it all up and i just can't keep bleeding out cash on repairs. i need to make a decision about a new set of wheels. this is definitely a further letting go of exh, who searched, found, flew 2000 miles away and drove this car home for me. i didn't imagine it. he loved me once. I pray that some day i can look back at that and smile, not cry. i mean really, for cripes' sake, it's been years now. i thought i'd excised all this pain, but this loss just brings it all up again. does it ever really go away? how can there be something new if there's still so much pain? will i be forever in this place? will every loss bring up this loss? to quote another Cornell song, 'put a bend in the road i'm getting tired of straight lines'
the reality of being on hospice has hit mom, and she's collapsing, convinced she's dying soon. i've tried to explain to her that this is a way for her to get help that we would not be able to get otherwise. I'm not sure she believes me, but it's the truth. i wasn't sure she'd qualify for hospice, but she does. I have no doubt that the extra support could well push her into a place where she 'graduates' and has a period of stability before having to go back on again. she's in her own deepest wounding, and lashes out at me unexpectedly from time to time. when that happens i have to leave, go home, put space between us, until she's back to the present. it's a slog. I can't take it away or make it better.
still not feeling great physically, which i'm sure is contributing to being so down. it's 4:12. I need to be up in an hour. maybe I can get some sleep. doubtful, but i need to try. sorry to be such a downer.
M 20+ T25+ BD 4/6/15 D Final 12/23/16
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi