Slept like crap last night - sorry DnJ wink

Not too surprising though. I'm still getting used to an empty bed and also the extra sleep / resting from the morning perhaps sabotaged me a bit.

Yesterday I went carefully around the house and found a surprising amount of B's stuff here and there. She had said on the weekend that she'd by by today - not sure why not Monday - to pick it up. I sent her a message this morning to let her know that it was by the side porch door and what the bag looked like.

She thanked me, asked after my welfare and in the 8 brief lines over 3 messages used 22 exclamation points. I counted. I did let her know that I had taken a mental health day and was working through things. I carefully was polite but not affectionate.

Each day, especially reducing / eliminating contact will be a better day I'm sure. I am glad that while I am upset, that things are essentially amicable. I'm trying to treat this as a learning experience.

I changed the photo on my desk at the plant this morning, replacing the one of B&I and my kids with just the kids. B was so very pleased by having taken that picture on one of our earlier dates and was thrilled I had it on my desk as she never had that happen before as her ex was blue-collar.

I do worry about her but know that I got fired from that job. I wish her well and will cherish the memories she gave me. I have some small momentoes of our time together. A small stuffed cat she got for the house sits on the piano and I ordered a new bow tie - my first new purchase in a while - that will provide a link to those memories. In part perhaps because of her reluctance to unpack anything, her imprint on the house was very light - an indication perhaps of that she didn't see staying there. The new sheets she felt we needed are packed in a blanket box as the spare room sheets and the lawn chair she wanted for me that only she ever used is in the shed where it will probably stay as I usually sit out on the benches I made.

Thinking about her I do wonder and also doubt if she will ever get the life that she had in mind. I do know that she did have to use the food bank a couple of times when she was living with S38. As essentially a SAHM for most of her marriage who worked minimum wage retail when her kids got older, her own resources are limited. She's not very social and surprisingly has a very small circle of friends most of whom she's known for 30+ years. She did talk about how men would flirt with her but even she knows that the ones that were pushy were looking for no strings attached extra-marital fun.

We don't hear about it / talk about it much here but for a significant portion of society being suddenly single at our age can be I'm sure difficult. For me, I'm coming in to my peak earning years, have modest savings and expect a reasonably comfortable retirement. It's not the situation for a great many others though.

It wouldn't surprise me to find that B when she eventually gets her inheritance and settlement that she blows through it very quickly and then ends up with nothing for retirement. Again not my issue. But the thought of that and what could have been for her / us makes me sad. She may choose to suck it up and move back in with her STBX - from what I gather financially they weren't doing all that well either especially since he took early retirement at 50 and then they blew through their savings. A consumer proposal dealt with much of their unsecured debt but I expect that the mortgage on the marital home is large and it will be many years before they could be deemed credit worthy if they ever are. His pension pro-rated to be taken 15 years early, even if it was based on a decent salary, would be modest. B did say that his pension only covered the fixed living expenses and they needed her's to buy groceries. And on top of that there's the whole moving back in with a man who deliberately and callously carried on not one but two affairs plus taking her away again from being able to see her kids and other family regularly. But it does give her the small house on the lake again with 2 dogs and no cats. Her biggest gripe about the cats beyond the shedding was the fact that owning pets tied her down and prevented her from traveling on a whim.

Moving on ....


S24 - soon to be S25 was pretty patient with me yesterday. I was surprised though before dinner (I reminded him of left-over scalloped potatoes) when he said he needed to "pop in to town for a few minutes" and asked if I needed anything and that he'd be right back.

3+ hours later when I'm in bed, I hear him come in in a mad dash, race up to his room and then back out presumably to his Monday night poker game that he was late for.

I got up to have a drink of water and my blood pressure meds I'd forgotten and on the counter was a birthday card from his sister - no postage so presumably hand delivered by his mother. He gets home from poker a bit earlier than usual and for pretty much the entire night I hear him up and down the stairs, rattling around in his room etc. I think the best I did was only an hour or so of actual sleep at any one stretch.

This morning I find a very thoroughly defrosted steak in the microwave. Presumably his dinner plans were rather derailed by his mother. It does make me curious as to what's up but I'll probably never know. Since he's a known conduit for intel and also that it's no secret that I'm suddenly single again thanks to sympathetic friends tagging me in every "single person / needs cats" meme going I would presume she knows my current status even though she's blocked there are lots of mutual acquaintances that I am sure pass gossip in both directions.

I can't imagine that she got through yesterday unscathed as well - but then gain - I will indeed never know. Similarly to B, I'm to the point where I wish her well in the life she has chosen - whatever that may be.

H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells