Catching up on some journaling...

I had my big 40th birthday bash on Saturday night. Three of the moms from my sonís baseball team did all of the planning, coordination, and setup. They went all out, balloons, decorations, appetizers, taco bar dinner, and a custom vanilla cream cake dressed up with fondant to look like a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label. smile I just supplied the drinks, music, and a super clean house that I worked on in the days leading up to the event. Lots of lively conversation and great fun was had by all. There was one gag gift that was an inflatable walker adorned with several phrases about getting old and being over the hill.

There were about 20 friends at the party, but all couples. I did find myself scanning the crowd a few times dwelling on the fact that I was the only one alone and felt lonely and depressed briefly. I tried to block those thoughts by accepting this is the choice Iíve made for now in standing for my MR. It didnít last long as I received plenty of attention all night and felt very appreciated. I am fortunate to have good friends that are caring, kind-hearted, generous, and sympathize with what Iím going through. The party was a rousing success with a ton of leftovers.

W brought kids over Sunday morning. D4 found the big 4-0 balloons and inflatable Walker and brought them out to the garage. W saw them and had a chuckle at the walker, so she found out I had a party, but didnít ask any questions about it. Later, I was talking with S8 about his past couple days with his mom and he told me that D4 told her ďyou know dad loves you.Ē He said W responded ďI love him too, but not the same way.Ē Sounds like a classic ILYBINILWY to me.

On Memorial Day, W came over to ride her horse. I was with the kids in the pool and W came onto the pool deck. She was clearly checking out the new patio furniture sets and rolling ice chest I had bought for the party. She was trying not to show emotion of like or dislike on the changes Iíve made in the pool area, but it did seem to pique her interest. She asked if she could have a beer from the ice chest, I said sure, if you like. Then she played frisbee across the pool with S8 for about 20 minutes before the horse ride.

Yesterday, W stayed at her separation house with the kids as they are out of school this week and summer camps havenít started. She texted asking if I could watch the kids after work while she rides her horse. I was planning to go play volleyball and offered to take them as other kids are there that they enjoy playing with. I texted her that they needed to be ready to go by 6:30 and that they could swim in the pool beforehand. When I got home from work, W was laying out by the pool in a bikini, then quickly scurried off to the bathroom to change into her horse attire. The kids both wanted to trot around on the horse before we left. I waited and was friendly in small talk with W. I am getting a vibe that she is a bit warmer towards me occasionally. Iím not going to read much into it and keep maintaining my distance.

I really need to move on finalizing the itinerary for my trip to California with the kids in a few weeks. Flights and rental car are booked, still working on selecting hotels up and down the pacific coast. Itís going to be a wonderful time to bond with them, but expensive. Worth it though!

Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20