Originally Posted by LB55
I'm not willing to wait 2 years under her thumb legally. I want to be able to move forward, buy a house, find my rhythm, know my financial situation, and want to be able to say yes if someone comes into my life that I want to date without feeling morally wrong. Basically I want the certainty that comes with a finalized document.

And that is a 100% valid reason to pursue D. I found myself in that place 5 +/- years ago and I was the one that pushed the D through.

Yesterdays text message scolded me for not honoring her on Mothers Day with gifts. I sent her a nice text that wished her a happy mothers day with the kids. I don't feel like getting her gifts is something I should be doing to earn respect.

You are correct, and if she doesn't like it then just remind her she fired you as H.

Ok so I'm confused here. I don't see how to validate her telling me how I feel when I don't feel that way. If she said "I feel like you hate me." I can validate that because its her feelings. "I know you hate me." is not her feelings. How does she know I hate her? She can't possibly know what's in my head. The latter seems like the psychological concept of projection to me. She hates herself, but would rather have me agree because then its not her fault.

I get what you are saying, technically "I know you hate me" is expressing mind-reading rather than feelings. But keep in mind you are dealing with someone that is highly emotionally charged right now. So here are two scenarios:


I know you hate me.
No, I don't hate you.
Yes you do, I can tell.
No I don't, why do you think that.
I can tell you hate me.
Etc. etc. etc. ARGUMENT!

OR... validating:

I know you hate me.
You think I hate you, that sounds very frustrating, I'm sorry that our situation makes you feel that way.
Oh. Well maybe "hate" is a strong word.

The whole idea of validation is to diffuse the situation before it escalates. You're not AGREEING with what she is saying, but more importantly, you are not DISAGREEING.

So I know not to argue with her, but I am still confused on the validation of feelings vice her statements that don't reflect how I actually feel, or what I was thinking, or why I did something. How does she "know" how I feel without asking me?

Obviously she doesn't. But even though she may not be saying the exact work "feel" or "feelings", that is still what she is expressing. Grammatically yes, "I know you hate me" and "I feel like you hate me" have different meanings. But in WAS-land they mean the exact same thing.

"You intentionally didn't fix the throttle on my car because you wanted me to die in a wreck and collect the insurance money for yourself." I just straight up disagree with that, I can't see how she would think that, and I certainly never had premeditated collecting insurance money. This is an actual thing I was accused of by her. If I validate her statement, then she says "I can't believe you intentionally did that to someone you loved!" Does she see validation as agreement with her statement?

Like unchien said, you're not agreeing with her, just acknowledging her feelings are real. If you validate properly, you're not accepting blame for anything. Yail's response is perfect:

"I see how having a vehicle with a broken throttle would be a very scary experience. I agree, that is not a vehicle anyone should be driving until it is properly fixed".

You are not accepting blame, or really even acknowledging the blame she injected into the convo. But you are acknowledging her feelings, and agreeing with her FEELINGS, not with the BLAME.

I took last night off from any communication with her, even though I have a large text message that she wrote to me that says she never liked camping, fishing, or any of the other things we used to do together. That she needs someone who can value her more than I will ever be able to and that we have no options but this path. I disagree that we have no other options, and I'm doing what I can to increase my value as a man and that will help me with whomever I wind up with going forward. Her or someone else.

Keep in mind you are no longer her H. You don't have to validate EVERYTHING. You don't even have to reply to everything, and in fact, shouldn't. I agree with the others that the best response to this is no response. Now if she said it to you face-to-face you're kind of forced into some kind of response, so a validating response would be something like "I can understand why you would feel that way." Just short and to the point. No arguing, no objecting, no agreeing or disagreeing.

I can say that my interpersonal relationships with others are improving based on me practicing better communication, non-defensive listening, and validation skills. Men and women both. I am trying to pay more attention to how others validate my statements as well, and to ask myself if I am seeking validation or just telling how I feel/what I want. I can see that I've sought validation from others, especially my W in the past, and that really just led to a validation competition. I did X! Yeah well I did X, Y, and Z! Yeah well I did those and 1, 2, 3! That type of one-upsmanship scenario just never works out well. I didn't see it as that then, but can see how it drives people away and doesn't validate anyone's feelings. People just want to be heard.

Exactly right, very good insight!

One of her former friends told me that was why they weren't friends anymore; my W always had to have the last word and always had to have a bigger and better sob story about why her life was more difficult than someone else.

People like her are hard to be around for sure. Validation with her types are purely a one-way road. You validate and validate and get nothing in return. It's good validation practice though, LOL! My girlfriend is not THAT bad, but has a similar princess mentality. Sometimes I get tired of validating her all the time and just pull back and give myself a break.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57