Hi Help, you posted this in Curtis's thread but I'm pasting it in yours to reply to you here:

Quote
AnotherStaner,

My Situation was very similar to curtis's and i find this comment interesting...

This is definetly what my ex was saying about how i never saw how unhappy she was... It was first months, then that year (2018) , then years, then since my youngeat was born ( 7 years ago ) - so she has been unhappy for 7 years yet had 2 more children with me during that period...

From your experience, have the WAW been unhappy for "far longer than that". Or is that just the justification for their actions ?

Not trying to thread hijack, but my ex and me got on well - or i thought we did, but now the rose tinted specs i wore are gone, i see she was always happy when she got what she desired.. The rows we had occured when my rational brain tried to reason with her "i want it now mentality"... She would accuse me of being controlling ( regardless of if we could afford it / good deal / bad deal etc ) and i would usually find a way / sensible solution to get her what she wanted. That would restore the status quo until the next time - and the texts exchanged / photos show happyness, regardless of her claims after BD.

Just interesting to hear thoughts on if the WAW was unhappy for a long time, or do some people just cross then line then use the unhappyness as an excuse.

thanks


It's hard to say how long she was really unhappy, but you have to factor in the "rewriting of history" that nearly all of them do. She may have really been unhappy for a few months, but she "remembers" being unhappy for far longer. Think of it this way, have you ever seen one of those hidden messages that's a mix of blue and red, and you can't tell what it says? Then you hold a red filter up in front of your eyes, which allows you to see only the blue and now you can read it? OK so imagine every good thing in your marriage is red and every bad thing is blue. It may have been 95% red and 5% blue. Well your wife has now slipped on a pair of red goggles, ALL she can remember is the 5% of bad stuff. She literally has blocked out the 95% of good stuff. The thing is, she is not lying about this. SHE REALLY DOES ONLY REMEMBER THE BAD STUFF. That's become her reality, that the M has been really bad for a really long time. Most LBS's try to counter this by bringing out pictures of good times and reminding the WAS that they've had a lot of fun together. The more you try to convince her she was happy, the more angry she gets that you are not hearing what she is saying. She becomes convinced you "don't get it" and never will, that you don't "understand" her.

So what do you do? Accept that this is how she remembers things right now. It can and will change with time, but for now this is how it is. Allow her to feel how she feels. If she brings it up then listen and validate. That doesn't mean you AGREE with her, you're just acknowledging that her feelings are real to her.

It is not uncommon for a WAS to eventually come out of the fog and actually explain that they don't understand what happened, they don't know why they could only remember the bad and not the good. But some of them have actually described it like a cloud, a fog, or a piece of fabric that is obstructing their view.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56