It’s been a few months since i first posted on here. The feedback and replies from my initial posts were most helpful, especially as during that time I just couldn’t see / figure out what the heck was happening in my life or to my ex-partner. – Many thanks to those who replied..
I do check the forum most days and have commented on a few posts, but felt it time to update on my situation, along with a few reflections. This post will probably be long winded, but I hope that it may help another LBS, and hopefully help them realise there is no quick fix - and life does go on.
Quick update on what’s happened since my initial post.
Ex is now in relationship with EA3(she denies it still, but I know for sure) - The guy from the gym. Not sure if EA2 is still on the scene, as i think she liked the attention. I first read EA3 IMessage’s in mid-December, but did spot her deleting IMessage’s while we were still an item / very early December. Assumed it was EA2, but they usually exchanged WhatsApp messages ( I figured they were using iMessage as WhatsApp shows them both online). Ex has now admitted the iMessage’s were EA3 and that her and EA3 did first meet in mid-November and swap numbers in late November / early December - but they are "just friends" EA2 was still around till the end of Jan, but his messages were just vulgar jokes that any self-respecting person would just delete. The detachment efforts i made based on the advice on here ended the cake eating. Up until that point i think she was unsure what she wanted. Or wanted her fun but wanted a sure thing fall back. Same old story really - She had me for security and money, EA2 who replied within seconds / gave her the attention but was a "Player" or EA3 who was respectful and nice, but a lot of baggage ( his wife died 6 weeks prior ) My detachment kind of forced the issue and I suspect these things can push a WW one way or another. When i initially started to detach it was noticed, and it really upset her. But it didn’t stop her still messaging these guys. I mentioned on post 1 - my ex was often irrational. 2 months of reflection have taught me that my Ex always acts on “emotion” and very rarely “rational” when it comes to decision making. She went out and put a deposit on a small house (not big enough for our 3 children IMO) without even discussing finances with a mortgage advisor or working out what her share of the equity in our house was. But she did it regardless without a second thought. If her EA3 wasn’t physical at that point, I’m 100% sure it turned that was a week after I started detaching.
As per my original post, i stopped recognising my EX months before. I thought it was bad pre detachment. When it turned PA, it was a whole new level of selfish attitude. I am gobsmacked at how often she was out of the house. She would put the youngest to bed at 8pm and then say she was off out to meet a girlie mate. Or she would sit outside in her car on the phone. I’ve lost track of how many times she tried to cause a row, just so she could say she was going out to get away from me. She lied about her shift times and instead of returning at 8.30, came home at 10pm.. This changed to 11.45 / midnight a few weeks after it got physical. Every other weekend would see her "out with the girls but staying my mums (i.e. stopping at his ) " - Coming back on Sunday looking like she hadn’t slept or showered.. Ratty with the kids and falling asleep on the sofa or "going for a lie down" Kids started to notice. Eldest has twice asked me "why does mummy always go out now".. Our 5-year-old has told her twice now that "She hates her for always being nasty to Daddy" Thankfully this chapter came to a close last weekend. She has gone and apart from discussing the children, I want nothing to do with her ever again (I’ll get to why in a minute)…
But in terms of my reflections on this, here goes.
ROSE TINTED SPECS
I read back to my original post and I think hmm. Its sums it all; up as I say it, but I probably left out a few facts / painted a better picture of my partner – After all, I came here looking for a “fix it solution” – Why slate the lady I love, on the internet. Hence a few things I mentioned were the truth, but toned down. And this would have continued I think – Because I loved my ex-partner, whatever she had done. or was doing. Unconditional love – Or Blind 4th March 2019 – 5pm. This was wakeup – Prior to this time, even after detachment, and her putting a deposit on a house, messaging, lying, sleeping with another guy, and lying to everybody about me (character assassination) I would have still worked on us, given the chance. I would have tried to find a way to justify to my family and friends why we were going to make a go of it… On the 4th March I got a call saying my Grandad was in critical condition following a stroke and I needed to get to the hospital. At this point, all that my Mum and Dad knew (they were on their way there) was that he was critical - and that is all they could tell me. When I told my ex-partner I needed to get to the hospital ( she would need to look after the children), she calmly told me that was fine, but I needed to be back for 8.30pm, as she had plans – 4th March was a Monday, and her new “nip out for 2 hours to see a friend night” – She kept asking what was up with my Grandad, but as I didn’t know anything ( I was trying to leave at this point ) I couldn’t tell her – Her reply was “It wouldn’t surprise me if you are just making this thing about a stroke up so I can’t go out” – Yeap… In her wayward and twisted mind, she believed I would make up my Grandad has suffered a stroke to stop her having a quickie with her new bloke. As I left, she told me to make sure I was back for 8.45 at the latest! – By 8.45pm (I was still at the hospital) she calling me (I ignored) … at 9pm she is texting and calling me to find out where I was, so she can go. I walk in at 9.10pm and she is there waiting to go – Her priority is “get out to get laid”.
So that was it… Unconditional Love, to unconditional hate in the blink of an eye. I can no longer even look her in the eye. The impact was bye bye stupid specs that blinded me for so long.
In my first post I mentioned how our relationship was happy for the most part – Because I bent over backwards to accommodate somebody who emotionally blackmailed me to get her own way – When she wanted the new car, she threatened to end our relationship unless it happened. In 2017, when I refused to agree to finance her boob job, she refused to go on the booked family holiday – She told our 6-year-old daughter that mummy and the children were no longer going to Majorca because of Daddy – I used the word irrational in my first post – It was emotional – Emotional blackmail. And my solution was to find a sensible solution to ensure she was happy, but it didn’t bankrupt us etc. – The priority was to keep her happy. The cost of that was a loss of my own self-respect. And I look back and think “what a mug”
This is the one where my views differ from the veterans slightly. My partner noticed my detachment, but I did break one rule and keep checking her phone, until the 17th February. I always suspected it was physical. I just needed the proof, and better still – to prove when all this started. Since she is telling everybody and anybody its all my fault for being controlling, I wanted to be able to prove what I suspected. It also gave me vital insight into how I feel things will pan out. We have 60 /40 split on the children, but she isn’t happy – she wants 90 / 10. ( i.e. I see them every other weekend ) – A court wouldn’t go for this ( I can work flexible and provide a lovely environment for them ) – but I know from the messages that her and her family are planning logging if I am ever late and logging anything and everything they can to use against me.
This comes up a lot on the board and I think Sandi mentions that once the wayward loses the respect, they go hunting. Respect is a word my ex-partner used a lot, after I refused to put the boob job on finance – Even though I paid outright, it really bugged her. She accused me of being a controlling bully for not signing the finance agreement at the time (along with the blackmail) – It didn’t matter I was paying outright and saying interest payments on the finance - She used to continually bring the finance up (even after the operation) and say that I never respected her enough to support her and go guarantor on the finance. If this was mentioned once, it was mentioned 10 times. It even came up in counselling. Was this projection back at me? Did she lose respect for me for refusing to go guarantor? I don’t know, but it was certainly a bug bear on her part. Looking back there were a few other things that also got mentioned ( see Self improvement ).. But all in all, I don’t know what more I could have done apart from be her doormat.
Define GAL - It would have been nice to say to her “instead of you going out 5 nights in a row, it’s my turn” –Then go out, catchup with old mates, play tennis, spend more time on my car restoration etc – That didn’t happen. I have been out once since the last post with a friend – By choice because my Life has become my children since January – I knew from 29th March, I would see them a lot less. So my life has been about them. When I was not at work, I was with my children. And I have had a great few months. At the park, in the garden, playing Lego – anything and everything I can think of to have fun and keep them off the iPad / tv ( ex loves to par off on the iPad ). The solicitor also advised against going out / not focusing on the children. As this could be used against me. So it may not be GAL as in going out loads etc, but it made me and the 3 children happy – and I have 100s of nice photos to show the fun we had. Moving forward, ive got plans starting from next week – Meeting old mate, Tennis club etc – But I was happy to spend the time with my Children while I could – She was out so often I had little choice – But it suited me – Less her, more them. But I will never forget when my 7 year old asks why mummy is always out – But she knew her Dad was always there – Which is so rewarding in itself.
First one kind of ties in with the Rose-tinted specs. Since this started, I can see how the ex-talks (shouts actually) at the children. It disgusts me. Yes the children are loud, yes they are messy – they are children!!!! – I don’t know if it’s the stress, the moving, frustration at not being with him (EA3) more etc – or the way she always was ( and I was too blind to see it ) – But the way she shouts at them shocks me ( and upsets me ) .. I hope I never talked to them like that and just didn’t see it – I’ll never know… But I know going forward (and how I have been since January) how to talk to the childrem. Even when naughty, I sit down and I explain. My eldest keeps saying “mummy always shouts” – Well that will never be me.
Other areas are actually areas the ex-did make comments on – I work out a lot, but never do a leg day – I hate leg days.. So legs are getting it.
And clothes – She used to spent hundred a month on clothes. I ignored my wardrobe and let her go crazy – time to look good again.
And finally – Don’t make the same mistake again – I need to make sure I don’t ignore them little reg flags (messages to ex married boss when we first met etc)
LIVE LIFE !!!!!!!.....
That’s it really – I came here looking for advise on how to snap the love of my life out of a midlife crisis – I wanted my lover to see sense and wake up – It was me who finally woke up. I have 3 beautiful children and only 1 life – I know how quickly that life can vanish ( Grandad passed a few days ago – he never recovered from the stroke ) – For all the LBS – You cant control them – and don’t let them control you – Go out and LIVE LIFE – ENJOY IT..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.