She said she knows what she's doing is immoral and unethical but I am the cause. She said my pressure pushes her more and more into wanting those interactions with other men.
That first sentence demonstrates how WW's think. She blames her H for everything negative in her life, even her A. Pressuring her doesn't help the situation, but I think she threw in that part for good measure. I remember when I was in an EA, everything about my H felt like pressure. He could just walk into the room, and it was as if all the oxygen would leave. If he did something around the house as way of "helping me", I instantly suspected his of having a covert contract......"If I do this for her, then maybe she'll do what I want". He would also say, ILY, just to pressure me into saying it back.
That was probably enabling behavior to agree to spend the night at our house with the kids, but at this point, I didn't really care what she was going to do, because I have finally come to the realization that I cannot control her,
If you are doing it for the kids sake and not b/c you want to score a couple of brownie points with your WW, then it was fine. It's not a good thing to do if you have an ulterior motive. I'm glad to hear that you now realize you can't control her. We can't force people to love us. If we have to put them in an emotional vise to return our love......then what value is their love?
My wife texted the next day asking if I could attend the closing on her separation home. I asked if I would have to sign anything and she said yes, but couldn't tell me what. I told her I need more information before I'm comfortable signing. She said this is my opportunity to throw a wrench in her plan to separate. I did not respond. However, my thought was this could be an opening for me to negotiate something I want for the relationship in the future. Namely, asking her to agree to attend a marriage intensive with me at some point in the future. Not sure what others think of this and I really don't know the appropriate time to attend such an event. Would it be better to go sooner than later. I think not until the multiple A's have fizzled out and perhaps several months after she has felt physical and emotional space in her separation home. Nevertheless, she hasn't brought it up again, but she will before the closing on April 1st. In the meantime, she has rented a storage unit and began buying furniture for her impending move.
Here's an example of a WW expecting to continue benefiting from whatever her H can do for her.......although she doesn't want to be his wife. You cannot underestimate the pure selfishness of a WW.
My advice is to handle this co-signing from a business point of view, and do not attach any personal expectations. So many H's don't understand that the WW does not want to work on the MR. The H does. He's ready to pull out all the stops to save his M, but she is not on board and has no desire to work on it. Attending any type of workshop, seminar, counseling, or whatever, is not going to change her feelings as long as she is resistant to doing whatever it takes to save her M. This is really another way you are trying to control, it's just wrapped in a different package.
There are so many positive influences near us that could be a boon for supporting marriage, but my W wants no part in engaging with them. Instead she chooses the toxic divorced BFF and a female co-worker of mine that is on the verge of divorce as her two primary points of contact for support and venting. I guess it justifies her current actions as WW to only interact with those that don't contradict her current views, decisions, and actions.
As the LBH, you see all those positive people that could be a wonderful support system for her......but she doesn't want it. Once the WW steps over that line of betrayal, she will distant herself from anyone who does not agree with her choices. The BFF is a strong, negative influence. Women can be very influenced by another female. If you W already had the mindset for waywardness, then making friends with the BFF was like the perfect storm. IRL, I have witnessed women leaving their H to join some single female in a lifestyle that resembles Girls Gone Wild. It's crazy, and when that woman finally comes to her senses and sees the reality around her, it's heartbreaking to see what she sacrificed.
The WW wants to feel freedom. That's why she is resistant to emotional pressure and feels like you are trying to control her. She'll see almost anything you do....as a control method. You have to let her go. She has to figure this out for herself. It may take a couple of years, there's no way to determine. Many times, the LBH will move on with his life, and some time down the road the WW will want to reconcile. Here's what I want you to bear in mind. The two of you are not on the same journey. You are not sharing the same highway. Instead of seeing you as being "one", you have to see you as being two separate entities. She is not the girl you married. The more you try to force her into that mold, the worse she's going to treat you. The more you try to convince her the M can work, the worse her behavior will get b/c she feels she has to prove that she's done. She wants you to back off and just let her live however she chooses.
With that said, you don't have to condone her actions. Your part is to emotionally detach yourself from all her drama. Focus on you and the children. It's great you are involved in kids sports and stay busy. Her behavior at the games are indicative of a wife/mother who is not truly emotionally involved with her family. She's simply trying to "go through the motions" at the moment, but don't be surprised if she starts missing more and more games. We can't make the other spouse be a good parent.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!