Persistent Endurance

[curtis7]

On to February 2019...

My W and I were invited to our neighbor's 50th birthday celebration at a black tie event. She said she would just have to fake it. Her exact phrase on the way here was "Fake it 'til we make it." I thought we had a great time, dancing, drinking, and enjoying each other's company. I felt so alive and thrilled connecting with her in that way again; however, I'm certain she was faking it. She took some nice photos with me and our friends and seemed happy. My W was texting her divorced BFF regularly during the party and asked me what I have against her as she feels the woman is a great friend and person. I told her I thought the divorced friend is a negative influence on my W. I kept bringing my W drinks and upon leaving she was very intoxicated. On the drive home, she told me she had no love left for me and that she was sorry and that I needed to let her go. She cried curled up in a fetal position on the way home.

The next day she had one of the worst hangovers of her life and asked why I kept bringing her drinks. I replied that I thought we were having a great time and it seemed like she was having fun. She said she makes the best of any situation and refused having any fun with me.

Now, my W was starting to get really serious about finding another place to live. She was regularly meeting with her realtor to look at properties. She discussed the financial situation with me and whether I would go along with her using marital assets for her to buy a house. I agreed as I know how badly she feels the separation is needed. We talked about what would become of the property in the long run if things work out for us and we agreed that it would be a good rental property (our first rental real estate venture). I have handled almost all of the finances in our relationship and she knows how savvy I am in that area. So, she asked for my help in reviewing mortgage quotes so she would not make a poor financial decision. She was surprised at how well I was handling the her house search and commented that she wondered if I was going to sabotage it somehow. I told her I want to help because I feel this is going to be our investment at some point.

We talked about the possibilities of buying more rentals or rehabbing houses. She made a comment along the lines of too bad it wasn't a year ago, then said 4 years ago. One year ago or just under is when she started IC. 4 years ago, my W had a very dangerous infection and spent 9 days in the hospital getting pumped full of every antibiotic imaginable. This was a traumatic experience for her and even though I slept there every night, she felt I wasn't there for her when she needed me after waking up from anesthesia and not knowing where I was. The doctors never told me they were going to put her under. She also brought up some hair loss side effects that she was experiencing after withdrawing from the medication a few years ago and that I was not there to give her emotional support. I apologized for the past and told her I cannot change that. I told her I was a selfish person back then, but that is not who I am anymore.

My W had a ton on her plate, between the OM, divorced BFF, and house hunting, she was also trying to change employers. She went to several interviews trying to land a career with a higher salary. I wished her luck on each and offered her support in preparing for any of them. One of the interviews paid off as you'll find out in the March update.

Since my W was open to marriage counseling, I took the initiative to try and find one. I selected a woman from the AAMFT which I thought was going to be pro marriage. My W and I went to the initial couples session and mostly provided background history on how we got to our current sitch. The counselor recommended that we each come back for IC sessions to discuss our goals and we agreed. My IC session was not what I expected. I explained my goals of continuing to change myself, reconnecting with my W, and making our marriage better than ever. However, the IC kept asking me questions about how I would feel if that didn't work out and we were to divorce. I asked the IC if she had any constructive feedback or solutions that I could work on to help meet my goals. She kept coming back to the fact about how my W feels right now and the IC seemed committed and dead set that feelings of that nature cannot change. I told the IC that I understand how my W feels right now, but that doesn't mean I can't be the catalyst the cultivates change in our relationship which my W may come along with at some point in the future. I spoke with my W about her session, but she didn't share what her goals were. I just sensed they didn't align with mine, so I saw no value in continuing with that counselor or any therapy for that matter until my W wants to work on the marriage.

I continued doing nice things, acts of service for her, such as making breakfast, cleaning around the house and we seemed to be getting along really well. Then, around the middle of the month, my W accused me of talking to our son about us. Apparently, he told her "I don't care if you leave." I tried explaining to her that he and I pray together sometimes that she doesn't leave. She also criticized me for helping to book a flight for her dad to come for his annual visit while she was in Cancun. I asked her if she meant her wedding vows, she said not when I didn't honor mine to treat her right. I explained to her what a fulfilling life meant to me with her and I in a loving relationship and our family together, watching our kid's challenges and successes and continuing to grow and nurture what we have until old age. She said I put that eloquently. At that time, I told her I knew about the continued PA with the OM and she saw how much hurt that was causing me. She agreed that our life would be a lot easier if we could get through this, then she shed a tear saying if I wouldn't had been such a dumb*ss. She said her relationship with the OM is like an addiction. I think it is an obsession or limerence.

On Valentine's Day, my W sent me a text stating that she deleted everything associated with the OM from her phone. I replied "Thank you...I can't even begin to express what that means to me." A couple days later I asked her motivation for deleting the messages with the OM, she said "I might be a bad person, but I don't intentionally try to hurt people." She claimed this was going to be permanent. She said she was disrespected by him with his pickup artist games and that he was deeply damaged. Little did I know that was short lived as the OM continued to contact her and she could not resist. The next day the OM told my W that he got another girl pregnant, and my W offered him emotional support. She went to meet him for lunch and I told her the only way to end an A is to break off all contact permanently. She refused and wants to maintain the friendship. I pushed again moving her further into separation, she said that I made things worse and only time will tell if I can stop.

Her dad came to visit at the end of the month and we went out to a dinner show for my W's 38th birthday. She seemed to have fun and we engaged with each other during the show. She thanked me an enjoyable evening. She put an offer in on a house and it was accepted, closing scheduled for April 1st. She showed it to her dad and made him believe it was a rental property. Never told him she has intentions of living there. I had a great visit with her dad, we had never been very close or had much in common, but he noticed and commented on all of my personal changes and was impressed at the person I had become.

The end of the month was not my finest hour. I pressured her some more and asked about continued contact with the OM and secret texting apps. She accused me of controlling her again and said that she can't see the forest through the trees and that's why separation is the only thing that could possibly allow her to see the forest. The next day a notification icon popped onto her smartphone screen that was for the Plenty of Fish dating app. Later that night I asked her about it and she gaslighted me into thinking I was seeing things. A couple days later I found her sexting OM#2 (28 year old, 10 years younger than her) at night which resulted in a heated exchange. She said our marriage is over, it's only legal and doesn't mean anything. She thinks this is who she really is and said "I'm not the wholesome girl everyone thinks I am." I told her I know you're on a journey searching for something you want to feel, but don't lose yourself along the way, or your dignity, or your self respect. She said she knows what she's doing is immoral and unethical but I am the cause. She said my pressure pushes her more and more into wanting those interactions with other men.

I know there is no way she'll come back to me while the EAs/PAs are still going on. I told my W that I cannot continue watching what she is doing, glued to her phone constantly, and that I need some space too. I told her I planned to stay elsewhere for the next week or so to give her the emotional and physical space she has been requesting. This was the turning point I needed for myself to detach. She agreed to let me do that. Again, February was not my shining moment.