On to January 2019...

Continued keeping up with domestic responsibilities and projects around the house. Although I was already in good shape physically, I started exercising at the gym even more. I often go with a friend that is a positive influence and gives me support on what I am willing to disclose. I try to keep the extremely personal details private because I truly believe I will reconcile with my W someday and I donít want people to know many things.

I have taken notice that friends and family are quick to offer their advice in these types of situations. Much of the recommendations are for me to move on and often contradict my ultimate goal of making our marriage stronger than ever. I view these as quick fixes for happiness that are not in the long-term best interest of my family. Marriage is work and is the most fulfilling, separation and divorce is the easy way out.

My W started taken more selfies and I knew she was sending them to the OM. She engaged in episodes where she attacked me if she didnít like the way I was taking care of the kids. I was going about a week with giving her space with the IHS and we worked on a house project together. She posted it on FB and thanked me for helping. However, I later learned that night she went to see the OM for their second encounterwhen she told me she was going shopping.

She was ramping up her rental and house search with a realtor and was leaning towards buying a small place. The kids were starting to take notice and ask questions why we werenít sleeping in the same room. This was very painful to hear from our kids. I just said we were working on some things.

I bought Manly Marriage Revival and started trying to follow the guidance offered. I distanced myself from her and letting her go to get her back for the week leading up to her trip to Cancun. I have her a hug when she left for the airport that she didnít really reciprocate. The resort was for singles,† it sure what she may have engaged in and donít want to know. She callled nightly to video chat with just the kids. She looked tired and run down on the calls from drinking and staying up late each night. When she got back from the trip, I gave her a hug and told her how happy we all were which was met with a cold response.

I surprised her with a house project while she was in Cancun. We spent the next couple nights finishing it up with painting. She called me honey on a couple of occasions. That felt nice to hear for the first time in months.

After almost 3 weeks of not talking about our relationship, I gave her a hug one night after work and told how great of a mother she was, but she tried to push away. I asked her if her needs were being met and she said she felt like she was in a holding pattern. She said she wasnít getting any younger and feels like she was missing out on life, possibly personally and in a relationship. She compares herself to her mother who died at 51 and she doesnít know how much time she has left. She said she is broken and wants to separate but she said that doesnít necessarily mean the end for us. She said she feels even more pressure after coming back from Cancun. She said she is sick of hearing there is no pressure from me, her career, others. She said she took care of the the situation with her co-worker, one man down, OM to go.

I asked her to agree that if at any point her feelings started to change that she would put the pause on separation and work on us, she said I would be the first to know. She said she has been treating me nice as a friend but that I shouldnít get the wrong idea. That is why she refuses to touch me or sleep in the same bed with me, she doesnít want me to get the wrong idea. She said her views on life have changed over time when she looks at others and wonders what if they had chosen a different path. She just doesnít feel it right now and thinks she is wasting her time because she is convinced those feelings wonít return. She said she waited until after Cancun just as I asked, but her feelings havenít changed, I said that could take a long time. She again said itís her and that she manipulates people. I told her she doesnít and I accept everything about her and will be there for her when she is ready.

Near the end of January, she went with me to a doctorís appointment and later told me she felt like her skin was crawling on the car ride. My W continued texting the OM and lied to me about who it was, but I knew. I asked her about the OM. She said he got a new phone and he was funny. I asked if she would show me the texts and she refused. She said she was not sexting him but there were innuendos that are inappropriate. I told her that if she is giving emotions to others, then that undermines our relationship and makes it significantly more difficult to work on us. She promised she wasnít going to see him, but still wonít agree to break off all contact. That night, a third encounter with the OM took place when she told me she was going out with her divorced BFF.

The next morning our daughter approached my W and asked why she makes me sad. My W stormed into the MBR criticized me, but I remained calm. She said we could go to a counselor so a third party could tell me what sheís been trying to tell me because Iím not listening. She again said she wants a divorce.

One of the most challenging things for me in all of this are the other men. I believe I could give her a lot of space and time if I knew there was no one else in her life, but she refuses to give those assurances. That about sums up January, returned to distancing...

Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20