Exactly right. I think most LBS's are desperately clinging to the thought that the WAS is going through something temporary and will at some point get "back to normal". That can happen like I think it did with Sandi, but in most cases they never are the same person again. My ex is a good example, she's more like her old self but she is not at all the person I was married to for 20 years. She's maybe 50% that person, whereas after BD she was maybe 25%. And couldn't agree more that the fact that you still SEE the same old body and face makes it that much more difficult to reconcile the changed personality in your head.
Food for thought for me. I have thought about when W would get back to ‘normal,’ but I should prepare myself for who W is to be the new normal.
Every now and then I see shades of W—but she’s clearly not the same, and hasn’t been for a while.
I see the same body and face—and yeah, every now and then she looks great / amazing, but a fair amount of times when I’ve seen her recently, she just doesn’t look good—not just in the sense of my finding her attractive, but she looks sad and frumpy.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Yup. Good men are hard to find these days. Great men more so. Great men under 40 are like unicorns. Women, especially young women, are starving to find a good man (much less a great one). I met a friend for dinner yesterday. She's 31 and beautiful. Dark hair and striking green eyes. Looks like Melisandre on Game of Thrones. Her last BF invited her to Aruba, then told her she had to buy her own ticket. When they got there he didn't pay for a single meal, expected her to. Oh and he invited his best friend to go along with them, a married guy that hit on her whenever her BF wasn't in the room. Then she got Montezuma's Revenge and he ditched her to go party with his friend. I mean this is the same kind of crap I heard over and over again when I started dating. Whenever I hear men here saying they don't know if they'll be able to find someone again, well, they have no idea how easy it's going to be. It's like saying you don't know if you'll ever catch a fish again, but then you take your boat out and fish are jumping in the boat before you can even get your lure on.
I know I’ve taken 2x4s on my going back and forth about wanting to save my MR—and justifiably so.
Once again, this is food for thought, to file away for later, in the event that things can’t be saved. It’s important for me to put the work in for myself—so that no matter what happens, I can be happy with myself and be proud of myself and have a better self-image (be a better husband down the road, father, employee, etc.).
While I know that I shouldn’t work on myself so that someone can be attracted to me, I do understand that that can be a consequence of it (not the primary motivation). And I can understand how younger women have difficulties in finding good or great men. What I have to turn away from is the NGS tendency to be a ‘good’ man (or at least appear like one) in the hopes that they will be attracted to me, or that I will be rewarded for that with their love. I know that that burned me on multiple occasions in the past—I probably missed out on some great women in my past because I had the blinders on and was stupid about it, but it’s in the past.
I just can’t imagine A/S’ friend being treated like that, though—like who would do that and I know that I would totally treat her better than this if I was in this sitch—the guy not paying for meals, another guy paling around and hitting on her (not truly sure who the 3rd wheel in that sitch is, honestly—her, or the best friend), or him leaving her in the room while she is sick. Seriously WTF—poor young lady, she deserves better. But I also realize that this would be my ‘competition’ in the event that I find myself D’ed.
What I need to keep in mind is to work on myself—NO MATTER WHAT the outcome with W.