Well I think it's part of recovery. It's a way for us to remind ourselves that we really AREN'T crazy, our WAS really did love us and care for us at some point regardless of what they say right now. It doesn't make any sense that they can just turn their feelings off, but yet it happens. You may have seen me mention this before but my ex told me in tears that I needed to take care of myself, that I couldn't die because if I did she could never go on with her life. I mean she was crying her eyes out! There was nothing that triggered it, she just felt the need to tell me she couldn't survive without me. 6 months later- BD. What happened in those 6 months that suddenly changed her mind about the M? NOTHING. Nothing at all, not one thing was different. How do you mentally grasp that a person can do such an extreme 180 like that? I wish I could tell you, or that someone else could tell both of us, LOL! Anyway my point to you is this- this is about your H, not about you. You are clearly a loyal, loving, caring, sensitive person that many men would be proud to be married to. Your H? A switch in him flipped, and he's not who he used to be. Maybe he will be again some day, but maybe not. Regardless, don't lose who YOU are.
Thank you AS for posting that in DV6's sitch. Definitely needed to hear that for my sitch as well.
DV6/Nicole/Bo...I appreciate all of your words of encouragement, support and the shared knowledge that we are all experiencing many of the same terrible feelings at the same time.
DV6...so I didn't believe I feared anything as I know I'm a high self esteem guy. even if W had an OM, I'd still feel the same way. My first marriage for whatever reason I never gave the OM a second thought. I guess in my mind her having an affair made her a bad person, adultery was a sin and so she was now OM's problem and I was free and clear in the eyes of the Lord. If I found out the same with current W, I'd feel the same way..."better him than me actually". Betrayal? I will drop you like you weren't even born. BUT in the past my trust "setting" was default to ON....now my setting is "Leave Alone". So you ARE correct my fear of trusting is off the charts. I know that has to change within me if I ever intend to ever try again. Anyway yeah that is the fear that is winning within me right now. Although I see it less as a fear and more of a decision...likely though much more of a defense/protection that I acknowledge.
Nicole...thank you and good luck trying to find anything in my sitch about why/how things happened! . Fear of aging, body image, motherhood, responsibility, life passing her by, we were roommates, can handle every day life she had all of those within her. Anxiety/avoidance...my IC said in 20 years of practice she has never encountered someone as avoidant as my W. Stander has told me several times in the past how silent his wife was. Last week I read through his story. His W was WAY WAY more talkative with him than mine. Not a single phone call in a year. Text exchanges I could count on one hand. Not one single "how are you", "I'm sorry", no temp checks, nothing. To say that if not for our D4, there would not be much difference between her having died and the level of communication in our sitch would be a very accurate statement.