Again...could have written that. So painful to read and even more painful to live. Yes...we both contributed to the demise of our marriages but we would have also done ANYTHING to save them IF our spouses had told us how they were feeling. I'm sure there were signs along the way...for sure there were in my sitch...but both of us did the best we could with the information that we had...which honestly, wasn't much. We need to forgive ourselves B. Difficult I know. I, too, feel like a failure and that I have let my children down. But again...I would have done anything to change that. I was not given the chance. My H made up his mind long before he ever let me in on what was happening. And what you wrote about being fated to live alone? We are both still grieving B. Give yourself some time and don't let fear reign because that is what that is...fear. [I know...I talk a good game..."fake it till you make it" definitely applies.] (((HUGS)))
I think about my sitch and how W told me what she wanted / needed me to do—and for whatever reason, I didn’t do it, or I apparently didn’t do enough. She brought that up the other night—that according to her, I couldn’t or I wouldn’t. It’s hard for me, too, because I do feel like I failed her, and I’m regretting what I’ve done and failed to do.
What I also know is that she has problems that she needs to look at honestly and deeply—that we both did things wrong. But it’s still hard to not feel like all this is my fault, so I understand.
I do understand the fear of being fated to live alone after all this—but that is it, fear. It’s also the purpose of working on self, GAL’ing, 180’ing (W tells me how great I am at words, but she wants actions), and the last couple of months I’ve been attempting to just show her (which is also why I’ve been sparse with my words—but in typical WAS-speak, it’s not enough if I don’t talk enough, my talk is cheap when I do). I’m trying to keep PMA and rediscover my value / self-worth and realize that I can be a gift to someone down the road—MR 2.0, or someone else, in time.
We all are grieving, but also we are all worthy—and that is what I keep in mind. (((HUGS)))