Sandi...just wanted to say thank you for the link to Squiggy's threads. I'm working my way through them now. Just journaling on some things that resonate with me in my sitch from his:
the talk about the house, how it represents us and our family. W does not ever want to come to the house. that an inanimate object has such a powerful negative effect on her really surprises me. I mean i get it on one level as far as memories and all, but to completely avoid it...that part I don't.
and the talk of her leaving anything that was a joint memory, yep anything to do with our marriage, house or us being a family was left. if her life were a book of chapters she is doing all that she can to try and completely erase the chapters of her life that involved she and I. personally i'm happy within myself that no matter what i've experienced in my life, i've kept all the chapters intact.
and the talk of his son asking his mommy why she didn't want their family together...my D at times has talked about this almost rhetorically and then in the most mature voice imaginable simply looks at me and says "this was her decision". truly blows my mind how insightful and mature D at such a young age can be sometimes.
the OM aspect...if I ever find out one of these days that there is an OM, then I'll know we're done for good. As Squiggy wrote: "I'm comfortably numb right now. It seems odd to me that having the A confirmed by first my son and then by W brought me a bit of peace. I don't need to wonder or second guess myself now. It does hurt, absolutely, but I'm mainly filled with a sadness for her. I truly do have a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent wife, and it pains me to see her go against her character and have an A. It is her choice, so be it." Also he wrote "I want to clarify the hopelessness I felt earlier. I don't feel hopeless about my changes. I don't feel hopeless about the changes in the R with my S5. I only feel that way in regards to WAW, and it mostly stems from the high potential of at least an EA." Yep, that describes my hopeless. Another good quote for my sitch currently "it feels like you are so far apart and the distance is insurmountable."
Your post at the end of his 1st thread regarding sex life, that hit home. Post-baby, for us it became very infrequent. As a guy post baby given her body image and the stress, I simply did not know how/when to approach her. It was not like in the dating days where we'd go out, drink a bit and things would just happen. Lack of communication on both our parts created the distance as for sure i was always attracted to her. W could not be free when it did occur. She was self concious of how she looked so it was very structured to cover her insecurities. It was not that she gave herself completely to our D, but rather how motherhood, responsibilities and her post baby body image affected her. is that PPD type stuff? honestly I don't know. And me...I was highly cautious of coming off as the horny, needy hubby lest I be seen as disrespectful/selfish when she was going through so much change AND she had just gone through the most amazing thing for both of our lives. Thing is perhaps I was overly cautious such that she interpreted my distance on that topic as me not being attracted to her anymore. Again this was simply not the case and open/honest communication could have done so much to address the issue. I read someone say on here that no matter what their WW thought, they realized that they had always acted with the best of intentions towards them and had they known how to be better, they would have been. That describes my feelings very well.
In my sitch on the completely impossible off chance that she wanted to R someday this quote from his W struck me "W: I understand you probably don't like me very much but this is one of the reasons i don't feel like you and i could make things work between us because it seems like its your way or no way. you told me you would be ore open with communication which is something we didn't have much of, but you haven't been open. you've actually been more distant since i've moved." Now "I" don't "think" in our MR i was a my way or no way type, but for sure we have basically zero communication these days, I mean barely enough for even topics regarding our daughter. I could see her feeling this way. Thing is though she wanted to leave, she wanted the space, she wanted to be away from me. When (though highly infrequently) she has wanted to talk to me, I have listened, validated and remained calm. Her decision to leave I believe has put the ball in her court when it comes to communication. I am simply trying to respect her wishes and do the best I can to move forward with my life. I guess that would be my simple honest response if she ever said such a thing.
As I say still working my way through his posts. This site is just a wealth of information/help for all of us and I thank you again for the suggested thread.