LW...yes it has been a while. I guess enough time has gone past for me now that I am to the point of "what other choice do I have" ya know? I have definitely taken the time to understand as best I can the things within me and my actions that led to where I am today. of course a HUGE portion of my sitch exists within my WW and her choice to leave so I can't even be sure what I think I might have done was in fact what caused her to exit. all of this is speculative guessing in a sense. as folks say here I might have thought and done everything right and she still may have bolted so...life is unfair sometimes no matter what we do or try.
I think for me as I've said all along, my gut tells me there is OM and if there is, then the MR and possible R is closed off to me. Am I hedging my bets, yep I am...If someday WW came back around, I don't contemplate that possibility. I just focus on the here and now. her being with someone post-me is for now a dealbreaker. but I love her and I'm a Christian and I'm to forgive her and love selflessly...so just gonna have to let the chips fall where they may. right now I'm not even interested in dating. not because I'm bitter or scared or working on myself, I'm just not interested. having a great time doing things with my D and being a Dad and reconnecting with my own interests/hobbies when D is not around. if I ever did get back into online dating or dating in general, unlike in times past I have no intention of being the pursuer. if some lady shows interest in me, great...if not, guess the ol' profile will just sit out there.
I wish I could say I was taking this in stride. the reality is what the reality is ya know? only so long you can beat your head against a closed door before you get tired and say to yourself "hmmm, maybe I ought to just go on and escape out this window" and that's all I'm doing. my wife CHOSE THIS so from her decision our marriage ends. I can beat myself up 24/7/365 but it will not change a single d**n thing. so kick, scream, yell, cry, do whatever but you will finally reach a point of acceptance because the only one being held back until you do, is you...and that means, you let your WW win and ain't no WW deserving of that. my guess for why you are still in an anger phase is that you are more deeply rooted in your faith that divorce is unacceptable. for me while I believe divorce is unacceptable I am more willing to accept God saying to me "hey B, yeah I know I said I don't like divorce, but look I'm teaching you things you need to know to be a better man, spouse and even Christian so look I have future plans for you, it's ok to let this one go, just trust me".
I had been wondering what was up with you as I hadn't seen your posts for a while. I wish you and your son a blessed Merry Christmas as well. I hope that during this time of peace and good will towards men, that God's spirit will work within you to help you free yourself from your anger. he knows you have stood for your marriage honorably as best you could, allow yourself the grace and peace to see that perhaps he is try to lead you in another direction. my best to you buddy!