So I was able to stop and see my little D at daycare today. She’s not with me now so seeing her even if just for a few minutes is a huge deal. She was so happy to see me, hugged me so tightly…and sadly didn’t want to let me go. Things happen every second in this world that are tragically unfair…for me, my D not wanting to let me go is one of those. I pray to God that she will somehow come through this experience and live the rest of her life unscathed by what her momma and I are going through. There ain’t much that can hurt me emotionally anymore…as I read somewhere on here the fire of this ordeal is remolding me into a stronger, better man and father…but I ain’t gonna lie hurts like H**L to have to let her stay behind.

Went to my IC today. Talked about a wide range of subjects. I like the lady I work with. She’s open to free forming with me as things come up, pushes me in areas that I can work on while at the same time ever mindful of not letting me believe this is all my fault. There’s a lot of good work I can do within myself to improve in some areas, although she cautioned me to stay true to myself. She said “look I know you don’t want this divorce, but get it done so you can go on and find someone who will love you as much as you love them.” In her words my W will/can not put in the emotional work required to make a marriage successful. As I was leaving she said to me “your wife is full on consumed the D process, I do not believe she has done any work on dealing with the ending of this relationship.” I was flabbergasted, I mean we’ve been split for going on a year and H**L I’ve been dealing with it, moving through it the whole time. IC believes she will simply compartmentalize it away and use all of her energy to keep it suppressed. That some crazy hard stuff to believe or heck even imagine it possible. Anyway…

Oh yeah and so after my IC I went out to a enjoy a good steak dinner. I must say I enjoy going out and having a good meal from time to time. Nothing major tonight, 14oz center cut sirloin, baked potato and broccoli with a cold draft beer. Cleaned the plate and it was a great meal. When the season and grill of the steak is so well done that you need not steak sauce…you got something good there and that was the case tonight. So anyway I’m heading back to my place and there’s a incident on the way I normally go which routes me around where W is staying with D. Well tonight I had to go past her place, but thought nothing of it as it’s dark…eh, forgot it was Xmas time. As I went by for the first time I saw all of the lights and decorations W had put up. I was happy for D to have and enjoy the wonder of the season as they say, but to have it highlighted to me that I was on the outside looking in at the warm house all festively lit…yeah it was a kick in the n*ts for sure. Not a single D**N thing I can do about any of this, but shake it off and keep on moving ahead.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19