I feel like our situations are pretty similar in that my W still hasn't given me any real good indication why she wants out. There was an OM that I discovered that started this whole ordeal, but I don't think they've been in contact at all for about a month. If you notice on my thread, I just posted an update talking about how it feels like my W is going dark on me as well! There is just nothing as far as communication goes. Anytime she would communicate with me or open up (if you want to call it that) about her thoughts and feelings were after I initiated the conversation. I'm done doing that and so the result is essentially NC between her and I now.
I have always thought there is a mental health aspect that makes my situation different than most WWs that I've read on here. Her researching her past abuse from her biological father earlier this year definitely has played a part into her emotional stability. I think that's undeniable. She has been a mess because of it. But she did such a good job of covering that up, I had no clue what she was struggling with during that time before BD. That is something that you don't just heal from overnight, either. It will be a long, long process for her. It feels like that in conjunction with the As and waywardness makes for a very tricky and almost impossible scenario.
I, too, struggle with the 'Why' component very much. I've said it in my threads a few times -- my deficiencies and shortcomings are not anything really out of the ordinary in a normal MR. Why my W feels like D is the only option and has never once considered even the thought of R (to me, anyway) or at least trying to work on our problems simply boggles my mind. I will probably never understand it, but the thought of her just nuking my kids' only sense of family without really any justification for doing so is the main reason I can't "move on" so to speak.
While I hate that you are going through what you are, it does give me a small sense of comfort knowing I'm not the only one....stay strong, man. I know that's easier said than done!
I am in the same stitch. W wants D, but won't file. I can't get a clear "why". Before BD and after the A started I kept getting the rewritten history scenario. WW blamed her detachment on our past and would not let go of the past. WW hasn't even hinted on R. WW did a bit of waffling before BD, but once I outed the A, all she could focus on was D. The "why" turned into "this isnt fixable".
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019