Originally Posted by ballast
I HATE myself for not giving 100% to it like I know I could have, BUT who among us will EVER give 100% all the time?

Oh for sure, I totally agree. And I wasn't suggesting this is ALL your fault, that just that both of you played a part in it and all you can do is own your part because you can't make her own hers. That's on her.

i had a part to play in the demise of the MR, but i did not go outside of it and desecrate it. and again I HATE myself for being unable to provide to my W whatever it was that she needed to make her value the MR. but how much can I sympathize if they go wayward/selfish and just destroy everything?

Agreed. With the benefit of years of hindsight on my sitch I ask myself why I even wanted to reconcile with a woman who would rather quit and run than put an ounce of work into trying to repair the problems. The woman I knew before would have done anything to keep us together, but the woman I saw at BD was a different one. Why she changed I'll never know.

I think the problem was all me. if i hadn't let her lose respect for me, done more of this or that, etc and thing is as Acc just highlights even if i did all this work and try to cover all my bases, she may still have left.


6 months before BD (almost 20 years married):

Wife- "(crying) please you can't let anything happen to yourself, I couldn't bear to go through life without you, I don't know what I would do! (sobbing)

Me- "What? Why are you saying this? I'm fine, there's nothing to worry about!"

Wife- "I just want you to know, I wouldn't survive without you! Just please, take care of yourself!"

6 months later at BD:

Wife- "I can't do this anymore."

Me- "What do you mean? Can't do what?"

Wife- (blank look)

Me- "Do you mean be married?"

Wife- "Yes, I can't do it anymore."

So yes I did things wrong in the M. I own them and I have worked on changing those things about myself. But when the rubber hits the road all I can say is a hearty WHAT THE F??? I mean come on, what changed between 6 months before BD and BD? Nothing at all. So you are right, own your part but accept that it was very likely beyond your control anyway.

but sadly i do wonder if that will make any difference when women seem to feel so entitled that they should always be happy, no struggles and if there are, well drop the guy and go find another. my IC told me "i don't think the 30 year marriage will continue", i'm sorry then as at my age, I can't emotionally nor financially accept having 6-7 5 year marriages when the happiness meter for modern ladies goes less than 100%.

Agreed. Here's the thing- we don't NEED to get remarried though, do we.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57