Acc...just some followup, you are right. I'm mid-30's, twice D'd and no idea what happened. So you tell me how i'm not to be terrified of it happening again? i (hopefully) have another 35 years on this earth, i don't want to go through the rest of it alone, but then again i surely don't want to go through this yet a 3rd time. And is it me? 1st W went PA/BD, D'd me, married OM and D'd him in less than 3 years. so was I the one with issues/the bad husband? i do agree that anxiety played a part in this. i have a phD IC telling me "this is on her, yes you could have done this/that, but she chose to let you go and not try to do anything". IC says "she has likely multiple issues" and i nod acceptingly because she's the expert, but do I really believe her or maybe was it just me. thankfully today i can write this and say i'm not spinning like yesterday. i'm too tired of thinking about it to go down that path again today.
Steve...yes you are right i am fighting against/for myself. my ability to withstand emotional pain, be patient, have faith all are being greatly tested. i will BE...OK? the jury will be a long time out on that one. i've had enough and i say that as matter of factly and without malice/bitterness towards W as i can.
AS...yes i understand. even though W gave me a shotgun blast to the heart and walked away, with time while the wound won't heal, it will scab over and leave my thoughts. to be ABSOLUTELY clear, I completely accept and know that I could have/should have done more in our MR. I HATE myself for not giving 100% to it like I know I could have, BUT who among us will EVER give 100% all the time? where it is cut and dried for me is, if there was a PA/OM, i'm done. as has been said here many times for sure i had a part to play in the demise of the MR, but i did not go outside of it and desecrate it. and again I HATE myself for being unable to provide to my W whatever it was that she needed to make her value the MR. but how much can I sympathize if they go wayward/selfish and just destroy everything? should Hurt have to go through the emotional abuse of his W showing him the clothes he's going to take to see OM and flat out know that is where she is off to, simply because he was a good guy, he wasn't 100% what she needed at all times? God knows this is terrible for everyone and in NO WAY am i not responsible. read some of the infidelity sites, those LBS AND WWs who try to R go through total H**L and not just for a year or so, but for the rest of their lives. and no, i have no clue on my sitch, absent knowledge I think the problem was all me. if i hadn't let her lose respect for me, done more of this or that, etc and thing is as Acc just highlights even if i did all this work and try to cover all my bases, she may still have left. i know we focus on the LBS and what we can control, because heck that's all we can control, but i worry sometimes that the balance in who needs to do the work between the LBS and WW is skewed more to what the LBS did wrong than what the WW did wrong. but don't worry or think me unaccepting of my responsibility Stander, for the rest of my life i'll think about what i did so wrong that cost me the love of my W. and i guess i should have explained, i can forgive her for being done with me, but i can't forgive her for the PA/OM IF there was one.
twofeet...you're welcome, you have a very tough sitch and with three small children, it pains me to read of families being torn apart. when i feel like need God's strength and then i read your sitch, i ask him to give what i asked for to you...you have it much tougher than i. i think being "alpha" when dating is one thing, like let them go, more fish in the sea. a bit different i believe when you are in a committed MR and the search is over so to speak. i agree i need to steer clear of the circular thinking as it's a no win.
i do hear you on crossing the bridge if/when i get there, but she ain't coming back particularly because no way she'll be able to be fully repentant and if there was a PA/OM, she lost me right there anyway. just have to keep on moving forward with the pieces i have left.
i have seen guy friends completely blow up wonderful marriages chasing stupid s**t, my heart pains for their wives. both genders in modern relationships are equally screwed up. thankfully for guys like us we landed here and can learn ways to make ourselves better men/spouses, but sadly i do wonder if that will make any difference when women seem to feel so entitled that they should always be happy, no struggles and if there are, well drop the guy and go find another. my IC told me "i don't think the 30 year marriage will continue", i'm sorry then as at my age, I can't emotionally nor financially accept having 6-7 5 year marriages when the happiness meter for modern ladies goes less than 100%. i wish you the absolute best in your sitch. i may be entirely screwed up in mine, so i take hope in the chances for others. it will be a long time before i have to worry about another relationship again.