Great stuff from Acc as always!

Originally Posted by ballast
AS has spoken with me about it in the past as both his ex and mine basically went ghost without a word to us on what happened.

And 6-1/2 years later I still know no more than I did the day after BD. The difference is I no longer feel the need to know.

if i get the why and it's EA/PA/OM then that is the end for me. if i reach "the end" then all hope leaves, if all hope leaves, then i am free as she was a bad person.

But is it really so cut and dried? You won't think that you played some part in it? I mean you did, women don't leave perfect marriages with fantastic husbands. Most of the time when they leave, it's their "last resort". They do it out of desperation. Something is terribly wrong and they want out so bad that they're willing to give up everything- to sacrifice their home, their family and their future to try and grasp something better. When I read Sandi's posts about what she went through as a WAS, sure she was wayward and selfish but at the same time she was in a terrible place and was scared and desperate. Reading what she went through really tugs at your heart strings and helps put things in perspective as to what our own wives must have been going through (or are going through). If an A is a deal-killer for you then so be it. But 6-1/2 years post-BD I still don't know if my ex had an A or not, so you may never know either.

i'm a Christian...i am to forgive those who "trespass against us" and yet for the person i vowed to love the most, i can't.

Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for YOU. You'll never drop the rope if you never forgive. My brother has never forgiven his ex and 8+ years post-D he's still bitter, angry and blames her for every bad thing in his life. You can make that choice too, but it's no way to live!

many times i feel this whole ordeal is actually more about me and God and my W is just the pawn piece he uses to challenge me. he is forging/testing me somehow i don't understand and yes, perhaps i'm fighting him. i read where this whole thing tests us emotionally, physically and spiritually...for sure that is true.

Yeah I hear you, I went on that journey too. See where it takes you. Be open-minded. Is he really testing us? Or do these things just happen not because there's a God or devil pulling the strings, but just because that is the random draw of life? I'm not saying there is no God, but personally I believe he is utterly beyond our understanding, and all of our talk of him testing us and such and deciding whether we go to heaven or hell or whatever is just our meager attempt to understand and define something that cannot be understood. We're trying to take some incredible power and humanize it. But regardless of where that journey takes you, you've got to come to peace with it all and move forward with acceptance in your heart.

Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56