neffer my mind goes through this process to try and answer why. AS has spoken with me about it in the past as both his ex and mine basically went ghost without a word to us on what happened. if i get the why and it's EA/PA/OM then that is the end for me. if i reach "the end" then all hope leaves, if all hope leaves, then i am free as she was a bad person.
once i knew my 1st W was that way at BD, i never shed a tear, dropped her completely and no one knock on my self esteem. betrayal in a marriage, vows to lies, no quarter of forgiveness can i give to that. if i establish that with my W now, too late i've already shed a ton of tears, BUT i will drop her and hope completely. there will be no light for her in the storm. and i will HATE myself for that, but will have no choice.
i'm a Christian...i am to forgive those who "trespass against us" and yet for the person i vowed to love the most, i can't. that dichotomy...it rages in me and pulls me apart. many times i feel this whole ordeal is actually more about me and God and my W is just the pawn piece he uses to challenge me. he is forging/testing me somehow i don't understand and yes, perhaps i'm fighting him. i read where this whole thing tests us emotionally, physically and spiritually...for sure that is true.
hope that makes some sense and doesn't make me sound as pathetic as i feel in describing it.